Clever Like Me

GED to PHD?

Under Pressure

School:
Well as if things weren’t a total mess Monday I was diagnosed with pneumonia and was stuck on bed rest until today. I was thinking at first oh good I will be able to work on my 4 papers that are due but that hasn’t really happened. I wasn’t able to get my paper back from English because I was stuck in my house but I heard from my friends that pretty much everyone failed the paper. Logically I know that if everyone failed there is a problem with the teacher not with me but failing the first paper of the semester isn’t a good start for me. I can’t help thinking about all the money I will owe the school if I fail even one class. I need to do well and I can’t afford to fail so why did I spend my whole week lying around doing nothing? Why does everything I try to write sound wrong? I was sick but I could have worked harder this week and I’m disappointed in myself.

All hope isn’t lost yet. I did get my communications paper done even though I’m not totally happy about it and I stated my history paper. Just thinking about my history paper makes me want to cry. I want an A but I am quickly coming to the realization that it may not be possible. I think that I’m trying so hard to write the perfect paper that I can’t write anything at all. It feels like all my dreams are resting on this one paper, this one semester and I feel like I’m going to fail. The fact I am scared to fail must mean I’m doing something right because if I didn’t care this much it wouldn’t be so important.

Personal:
A week on bed rest showed me that I really don’t have many friends. Is that normal for 24 or did I make some wrong choices that left me this way? I had some friends from work text me and want to know how I was doing which made me feel good. My other friends like Tasha didn’t seem to notice. Lincoln wanted sex and to his credit he wasn’t immediately disappointed when I told him I was sick, he asked if I was going to be okay first. We made a plan for Saturday. I have decided I am not going to analyze that relationship any more. He’s cute and fun to sleep with and I’m leaving it at that. Maybe the reason I don’t have real relationships is because I don’t prioritize them. I don’t have time for a boyfriend so I get the sex I need from Lincoln. I don’t have time for friends so I have coworkers who are the closest thing I have. I am not going to make more time to party with Tasha but maybe I need to open myself up to real friendships and relationships.

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Confrontational Conversations

Well just over a week into fall semester and I can officially for the first time in my college career I have a teacher who hates me. Three classes into the semester and I have been asked not to participate in class discussions in my English class. This whole big fish in a small pond thing seems to be backfiring. The worst part is normally I am a very quite student but after my success last semester I have fallen into my own self fulfilling prophecy where I believe I’m smart so there for I am. This seems to be working out well in all of my classes except English.

So my last English class went like this: My teacher would read thought-provoking articles from our text-book and then would ask for opinions. The class would stare at her silently, after a little bit of silence I would supply an opinion. After 3 times of being the only person in the class with an option I started watching the clock waiting a full 2 minutes before answering any other questions or responding in any way. The questions weren’t controversial or offensive in any way mostly what do you think this means or why do you think the writer wrote about this. Well after about the sixth question I had answered she says in front of the whole class “There are a lot of students in this class that would like to have a chance to speak so how about you keep your opinions to yourself from now on” not “Does anyone else have an answer” not “Lets give someone else a chance to answer”. Well needless to say I was very embarrassed and didn’t say a word for the rest of the class which, incidentally, remained silent till the end of class. After class I asked my teacher if she meant just for this class or for the remainder of the semester she wanted me to keep my mouth shut. She informed me that she meant for the rest of the semester to which I replied “Do I still get graded on my attendance?” The answer of course being yes. So I have to go but am no longer allowed to participate, should be an amazing semester.

I had another first for me this year. I had some asshole call me out for taking the elevator instead of the stairs. First the elevators are for all students not just disabled students but I do qualify under the label as disabled with my asthma. This dick decided to ask me if I was just too lazy to take the stairs which I laughed of at first, then he went on to say “No seriously, what is with people and their inability to use their god damn legs!” To this I replied I have asthma which he didn’t believe so I showed him my inhaler. He then said “Well I don’t know how that works but I bet if you exercised more your asthma would get better and I bet taking the stairs would be good for you.” I literally couldn’t believe what he just said. Do people really understand how debilitating asthma is? I used to be a dancer and now I am lucky to make it up one flight of stairs without gasping for my inhaler. I wanted to take his crutches and beat him with them but I just stopped talking to him. There is not enough patience in the world to deal with that kind of ignorance.

The one bright spot in my week is my Criminal Justice class. It is by far my favorite and most interesting class this semester, not to mention it has all the cute boys. Cute boys aside though the whole class is smart and responsive with intelligent discussions. I don’t have to worry about answering too many questions or being to opinionated. It’s really the only class that I feel like I belong.

Well this semester is full of new challenges I never even imagined but I know everything that happens is teaching me lessons I need to know.

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Midterm Madness

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This Thursday marks the first of the two tests that will determine my entire grade in my sociology class so basically this will be just a cakewalk week (insert sarcasm here). I have literally never been as stressed for a test as I am for this one. My teacher did finally give us a study guide causing me to spend hours making flash cards and I’ve been answering every question on the study guide like it’s the actual test. If I do fail it wont be for lack of trying. The thing that scares me about this test is still no matter how much I study or how many terms/sociologists I memorize I still feel like I don’t know anything. I can’t fail this class or I lose my finical aid forever so you know no pressure. This feels like my first real test of my college career so please wish me luck.

My psychology class was super interesting this week. We regularly watch TED talks but this week we watched one that struck me on a profound level.  Ken Robinson, Education I highly recommend watching this link but basically it talks about how the education system kills creativity. He even specifically talks about a dancer. This really struck home for me because previously I was a dance major and the reason I switched was exactly what he talks about: I listened to all the people in my life telling me dance will never be a career. Don’t get me wrong I love being a psychology major and I wont be switching to anything else but it did get me thinking. Why isn’t dance a “real” career? The only thing I did do well on in high school were arts subject such as dance and theater and those never counted for anything. How many kids are falling through the cracks in the school systems because the things they excel at wont help them in a “real” careers according to the education system? Why don’t we value ballerinas as highly as we do doctors? Both take an incredible about of skill and dedication and both are incredibly difficult careers.

For those of you following my social life here are some updates. I spent another night with Lincoln and I like him more than I should. I know that it’s not going to turn into a happily ever after situation and yet I can’t help imaging studying for tests together and attending graduate schools together. I’m such a girl, in 3 weeks I wonder if we will even talk yet I keep piecing together a future with dogs and intellectual conversations. I don’t want to stop seeing him but my degree is more important to me than any relationship so I’m not sure what I want. Like I said in 3 weeks maybe we wont even talk anymore.

On a happier note my birthday is next week. I just have to make it through my midterm on Thursday then I get a birthday dinner Friday a birthday party Saturday then I leave for a mini vacation Monday. I will be missing one day from each of my classes but you don’t turn 24 everyday and I need a break.

Keep your fingers crossed that I pass my midterm and make it through this week!!

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