Clever Like Me

GED to PHD?

Casual Sex and Homework

To organize my thoughts better I am breaking this weeks posts into two sections. One for school and one for my personal life.

School:

My first paper for English is due tomorrow and I am having a hard time writing it for a few reasons the first of which being the fact that my English teacher hates me. I feel like no matter how hard I try the best grade I could hope to get would be a B. I have had several people tell me that I should try to switch classes or talk to the dean but I feel like that’s just wrong. Am I going to complain every time a teacher doesn’t like me? Am I going to drop every class just because I don’t like the teacher? Isn’t this just a different kind of learning experience? I’m not giving myself an excuse. I am going to stick it out and I am going to kick ass. Save any conversations I have with the dean for real issues so I can be taken seriously as an adult.

All my other classes are wonderful. It may be the fact that I’ve started to love to learn or my classes may really just be amazing. I love going to school. My history teacher is funny and passionate about history which is amazing. I have learned more about American history in these 3 weeks than all of my previous history classes put together. My criminal justice class is fascinating and I love all the people. My communications class is interesting but we haven’t followed the syllabus at all. We were supposed to have our paper due last week but he still hasn’t given us any instruction on it. He keeps telling us he will get to it next class which is a bit frustrating. I just hope I have enough time to do well.

Personal:

I spent another night with Lincoln, this time at a hotel. It was almost perfect except for him telling me not to fall in love with him over and over. I get it, this has no future but its nice sometimes just to forget that for a night. I like spending time with him its easy and fun and I could love him but as soon as I think about having a boyfriend I instantly freak out for lack of a better term. I don’t want to share my space or my time or my life with someone right now. He talks about watching the fights together or going places together in the same breath he tells me not to love him. I have never been more confused on how a guy feels toward me or how I feel towards him. My brain and my heart say run but my libido says more.

Junior my ex from about 5 years ago has started messaging me again. He’s currently in the army in South Korea so there is not much there but I think about him all the time. Its like being 17 again waiting for him to text me. I never in a million years thought I would be talking to him again, I hadn’t even really thought about him in 5 years and then bam one message and its like I’m going to crazy.

Now that I actually know what I want out of life I don’t know what I want out of love. Is this college? Is this how it’s supposed to be? Casual sex and homework? Clarity and confusion all the time?

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Patterns of Behavior

At our core is all we are just the patterns of behavior we’ve developed or can a person truly and deeply change? I have been able to successfully change my behavior by fully dedicating myself to school and homework, but not when it comes to social aspects of my life. Why am I falling back into comfortable routines that are probably going to do more damage than good? Can 3 weeks of dedication to school say anything about future success?

I slept with Lincoln and I don’t feel guilty about it. I should clarify the he did apologize for the remark he made out of the blue and we did set some personal boundaries. The night we spent together was fun and amazing and the best thing I’ve done in a while. The part I do feel guilty about is the time I’ve been spending thinking about him. Here I am in my blog about school dedicating a whole paragraph to him. I’m not in love, I’m under the influence of powerful hormones but is this weakness we all have to other people enough to derail ambitious people? What about newly ambitions people like me? Is the excitement I feel for school become replaced with the excitement of seeing him and if so what happens when he’s no longer in all my classes?

Speaking of my classes, finally, they have been going very well. I am still working ahead of my psychology class and I am able to answer every question with ease.  My sociology class is a little different. I don’t really know what I’m supposed to know. The midterm is chapters 1 – 7 and that’s all we’ve been told. No study guide, no hints as to what theories or event will be covered. Therefore, I have been reading the book and attending all the lectures. I would like to do very well on the tests but I’m concerned that since this class is graded based entirely on test scores I will retain the wrong information and fail.

On a happier note my financial aid has officially been approved! After they reviewed my appeal I had to meet with an adviser and the contract was approved today. I made the last $300 payment for summer and my fall tuition is going to be at the very least partially paid for. I planned myself a little birthday get away to celebrate.

Here’s hoping that my hormones return to normal and that someone really can change their patterns of behavior so I can continue to do well in school.

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Nature vs Nurture

Who am I? With school still over a month away from starting, I’ve been trying to prepare and keep the momentum going. I’ve been doing everything from listening to I Tunes U to reading psychology today, just to help me prepare for the way I need to think. The basis for a lot of the studies I’ve been reading are nature vs nurture. Basically how much of you is biology and how much is your experiences. This, naturally, has started me thinking about my birth parents.

Who are they? Do they hate fish or Does my birth mother wear her hair long? My adoption is a very closed adoption but my parents have always supported me trying to find my birth parents. Until recently, however, I’ve never had much of a desire to know them and now I wonder if I want to meet them for the wrong reasons. I have a family I don’t need more of one but I am very curious about my nature. Do I hate fish because I was never exposed to it as a child or did I inherit that from somewhere? I know my eyes are hazel and my hair is brown because of genetics, but why do I like to let my hair grow? I recently saw the movie Admission with Tina Faye which is secretly about adoption. It made me think for the first time what it would be like for my birth mom if I was suddenly in her life. I have always assumed I was a dirty little secret, like the last thing she would want is for her past to come back to haunt her. Maybe I am wrong maybe she would want to know me, really know me and I’m not sure I would want that. Mostly I would want specific answers about her basic personality with no real emotional bonding.

I really can’t wait for school to start. Now that I know what I really want it feels like every day that I’m not actively making progress toward my degree is a day wasted. Recently I’ve been feeling like I’m wasting my time with my “friends”. My best friend right now Tasha is fun to be with and its easy to hang out with her but we have a sketchy past. We used to hang out with this other girl Sierra and her boyfriend Elliott, who at the time was my best friend. Long story short being around these friends influenced me to act a way that to this day embarrasses me, culminating in me sleeping with Elliott. I justify it to myself as I thought I loved him but really I just wanted the feeling I would get with him. Tasha sided with them and I was left with no friends and no idea why I had become the person I was at the time. It felt like waking up from an alcohol induced blackout. Well long story short they ended up owing her a lot of money and never paid her and we ended up friends again with a mutual distaste for the couple. Recently I found out she had started talking to them again and trying to be their friend again. For obvious reasons I will never be accepted by that group again nor would I want to move backwards in my developmental process but I can’t help wonder what about me? If they fully accept her back into their group where does that leave me?

It feels like my whole life is waiting to start and I am stuck here in my past. June can’t come soon enough. School can’t come soon enough. Life can’t start soon enough.

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