Clever Like Me


Excuse me

I had a bit of success at the beginning of last week when I finally was able to get the correct papers for my financial aid. The stupid financial aid lady even smiled and was kind to me explaining the payment process. I had 2 whole days of liberating success only to find a message waiting for me on my schools email system. I don’t qualify. “Not making satisfactory progress” is what they actually call it. Literally felt like a grand sign that maybe you can’t overcome your past. Maybe the reason why even the smallest first steps are so complicated is it’s not meant to be. Then I surprised myself. I took a week, partied and took a mini vacation with Tasha and then started the appeal process.

The appeal is very straight forward it wants to know why I deserve a second chance.  Its asks for specific documentation for things like a death in the family, a medical reason stating why I was unable to attend, or a damn good essaying explained why you’re a different person. I have recent deaths in my family as well as being diagnosed with adult onset asthma. I could tell them all about the pain losing both my cousin and my aunt suddenly, provide obituaries. I could tell them about how asthma changed my life. How every time I got a cold it would turn into pneumonia but I feel like that’s a lie. I feel like that’s just making excuses. I feel like the reason I didn’t do well is all on me. I was never too sick to come to school or grieving or any other real reason. I could have come and I could have done well but I chose not to. So now the real questions are; Do I use the system to get my out of my own past? Provide doctors notes and obituaries, spin a sad story and get the financial aid. Do I tell the truth and write an essay about who I was then and who I am now? Am I simply being too hard on myself? Maybe it’s not lying or making excuses. Maybe it’s doing what you have to do to reach your goals.

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