Clever Like Me

GED to PHD?

Embracing Fall

Fall semester started one day before my grades for summer were finally posted. For the first time in my life, and I do mean ever, I received a 4.0! (insert applause here) I guess I didn’t really fail my sociology final like I was sure I did. Lincoln hasn’t spoken to me since the end of the semester so I guess you could say summer is really over. I think I should feel sad that Lincoln is out of my life but honestly he never was prince charming and he never wanted me in his. So with that is onward to fall semester.

This semester will not be easy instead of the 2 classes I took during the summer I have 4. I am taking English 1010, History (American Civilization), Communications (analysis of an argument), and Criminal Justice. I have already taken and passed English 2010 but I needed another English credit so I took the easy route. History I had taken and failed before so it is imperative that I pass with a high-grade not only to keep my financial aid but to fix my GPA. Communications should be interesting. The teacher seems a bit distracted so its my only class I don’t really know what to expect. Criminal Justice is already fascinating, I can not wait for the rest of the semester.

I am hoping to get another 4.0 but with working full-time and having 4 classes I’m not sure how feasible that is. To be fair though this whole blog is about achieving the impossible. The good news is there isn’t a single cute boy in any of my classes so I hopefully wont be as distracted as last semester. That might be an overstatement. There is one cute boy but he is only 19 and I don’t date boys that are fresh out of high school.

Well I have a lot of homework to do but as always I will be updating every Sunday, thanks for coming along this journey with me hopefully it will be interesting.

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Nature vs Nurture

Who am I? With school still over a month away from starting, I’ve been trying to prepare and keep the momentum going. I’ve been doing everything from listening to I Tunes U to reading psychology today, just to help me prepare for the way I need to think. The basis for a lot of the studies I’ve been reading are nature vs nurture. Basically how much of you is biology and how much is your experiences. This, naturally, has started me thinking about my birth parents.

Who are they? Do they hate fish or Does my birth mother wear her hair long? My adoption is a very closed adoption but my parents have always supported me trying to find my birth parents. Until recently, however, I’ve never had much of a desire to know them and now I wonder if I want to meet them for the wrong reasons. I have a family I don’t need more of one but I am very curious about my nature. Do I hate fish because I was never exposed to it as a child or did I inherit that from somewhere? I know my eyes are hazel and my hair is brown because of genetics, but why do I like to let my hair grow? I recently saw the movie Admission with Tina Faye which is secretly about adoption. It made me think for the first time what it would be like for my birth mom if I was suddenly in her life. I have always assumed I was a dirty little secret, like the last thing she would want is for her past to come back to haunt her. Maybe I am wrong maybe she would want to know me, really know me and I’m not sure I would want that. Mostly I would want specific answers about her basic personality with no real emotional bonding.

I really can’t wait for school to start. Now that I know what I really want it feels like every day that I’m not actively making progress toward my degree is a day wasted. Recently I’ve been feeling like I’m wasting my time with my “friends”. My best friend right now Tasha is fun to be with and its easy to hang out with her but we have a sketchy past. We used to hang out with this other girl Sierra and her boyfriend Elliott, who at the time was my best friend. Long story short being around these friends influenced me to act a way that to this day embarrasses me, culminating in me sleeping with Elliott. I justify it to myself as I thought I loved him but really I just wanted the feeling I would get with him. Tasha sided with them and I was left with no friends and no idea why I had become the person I was at the time. It felt like waking up from an alcohol induced blackout. Well long story short they ended up owing her a lot of money and never paid her and we ended up friends again with a mutual distaste for the couple. Recently I found out she had started talking to them again and trying to be their friend again. For obvious reasons I will never be accepted by that group again nor would I want to move backwards in my developmental process but I can’t help wonder what about me? If they fully accept her back into their group where does that leave me?

It feels like my whole life is waiting to start and I am stuck here in my past. June can’t come soon enough. School can’t come soon enough. Life can’t start soon enough.

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Feeling Free

This is the exciting part, the beginning of a new adventure. Really its the feeling that anything can happen, that maybe just maybe this story will end with an actual PhD. The trouble I’m having is now I’m just old enough to know that plans change, that not all dreams come true and I feel this tiny wave of panic. Am I getting my hopes up for just another life lesson? When I look at the long long road I have to go it feels impossible. In order to stave off the panic I’ve decided to only focus on one step at a time and celebrate every step of the way. Every credit I earn every test I take is one step closer and farther than anyone thought I could go.

My school received my FAFSA data so it looks like all I have to do is fill out some forms and they will let me know what I qualify for. I had to officially declare my major as psychology. It was weird declaring an actual hard major instead of theater or dance. I really never thought I would be taking school this seriously. I feel like an adult with a “real” dream. It feels very free, like who knows where this will take me. I don’t have a husband or kids or responsibilities tying me to one location. I have a pug and fortunately she can go where I go. It really feels like for the first time I’m taking to world by storm so to speak and all I have done is get enrolled in community college. I still have so so far to go but in a way that’s exciting as well as terrifying.

I want to change my life, that’s the whole reason I am doing this but sometimes I feel like this is not enough. I want to come out of this as almost completely new me. Not that there is anything wrong with the current me. I think I’m actually pretty awesome so not really a new me but an upgraded me. This for me means its time to change everything. I’m working on my dreams and one of my new dreams is to lose weight. I’ve never considered myself particularly large but lately the weight feels strange on my body. As if it doesn’t belong and its just been waiting for me to notice. I feel fully awake for the first time and am so excited once again for the future. Still not sure how I am going to become this super woman balancing work, school and this healthy life style but the point is I’m excited to try.

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