Clever Like Me

GED to PHD?

Under Pressure

School:
Well as if things weren’t a total mess Monday I was diagnosed with pneumonia and was stuck on bed rest until today. I was thinking at first oh good I will be able to work on my 4 papers that are due but that hasn’t really happened. I wasn’t able to get my paper back from English because I was stuck in my house but I heard from my friends that pretty much everyone failed the paper. Logically I know that if everyone failed there is a problem with the teacher not with me but failing the first paper of the semester isn’t a good start for me. I can’t help thinking about all the money I will owe the school if I fail even one class. I need to do well and I can’t afford to fail so why did I spend my whole week lying around doing nothing? Why does everything I try to write sound wrong? I was sick but I could have worked harder this week and I’m disappointed in myself.

All hope isn’t lost yet. I did get my communications paper done even though I’m not totally happy about it and I stated my history paper. Just thinking about my history paper makes me want to cry. I want an A but I am quickly coming to the realization that it may not be possible. I think that I’m trying so hard to write the perfect paper that I can’t write anything at all. It feels like all my dreams are resting on this one paper, this one semester and I feel like I’m going to fail. The fact I am scared to fail must mean I’m doing something right because if I didn’t care this much it wouldn’t be so important.

Personal:
A week on bed rest showed me that I really don’t have many friends. Is that normal for 24 or did I make some wrong choices that left me this way? I had some friends from work text me and want to know how I was doing which made me feel good. My other friends like Tasha didn’t seem to notice. Lincoln wanted sex and to his credit he wasn’t immediately disappointed when I told him I was sick, he asked if I was going to be okay first. We made a plan for Saturday. I have decided I am not going to analyze that relationship any more. He’s cute and fun to sleep with and I’m leaving it at that. Maybe the reason I don’t have real relationships is because I don’t prioritize them. I don’t have time for a boyfriend so I get the sex I need from Lincoln. I don’t have time for friends so I have coworkers who are the closest thing I have. I am not going to make more time to party with Tasha but maybe I need to open myself up to real friendships and relationships.

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Singularly Satisfied

School:
Well today I get my paper back from the wicked witch of the west (aka my English teacher). I have no idea what kind of grade I will be getting but I have a feeling her personal feelings towards me will heavily impact it. I could be wrong. I could get my paper back at it could be an A in which case I will still think she is a bitch but a bitch who grades fairly. This week I also have to write 3 different papers one for history, criminal justice, and communications. I think my criminal justice and communications papers will be easily graded but my history teacher has already warned us only 5% of people get an A on his papers. I want to be part of that 5% but I am afraid of falling into a self-fulfilling prophecy and telling myself it’s okay to get a C because that is what every else is getting. I hate writing all these papers but I keep imagining myself (40 LBS lighter) standing in a cap and gown for the very first time and showing to myself that I can do this. It’s a pretty powerful way to keep myself motivated.

Personal:
What I’ve noticed most since starting college is I have no friends. I had a group of people I hung out with last year but long story short I slept with the wrong person in that group then told him he had a small dick and a napoleon complex (both of which are true) after he called me much, MUCH worse and needless to say I no longer am allowed to hang out with them. My friend Tasha still hangs out with that group which sometimes bothers me. She was telling me this week how they all went camping and shroomed and for a minute I felt jealous. No matter how old you get or how awful your friends are it still hurts being the odd man out. Then I thought to myself how good it feels to be separated from these people. I realized that the only time I think about them is when Tasha brings them up other than that I never feel like I’m missing anything. I started thinking about Tasha too and honestly I don’t know if I really want to try to be friends with her anymore. She would (and has) left me at a bar when taking me with her isn’t convenient, her idea of fun is drugs and lots of them, and the fact that she would choose to be friends with people I introduced to her that hate me and talk bad about me now shows me what kind of a person she is. I know that losing all my friends is going to suck but I can’t make room for good friends without getting rid of the bad ones.

Lincoln texted me on Sunday for a “release” I know that is all I am to him but I miss the days when boys actually tried to be sly. I always go back to the boyfriend issue when Lincoln is around. I like him, I think, but what would I do with a boyfriend. I feel like people who get married or have boyfriends are so (for lack of a better word) ordinary. It’s wonderful to be loved and to have companionship but I would rather have a string of lovers than a steady boyfriend. I wonder if that is just my age. Maybe in 5 years I will be married an looking at this post laughing at how ordinary I am. The truth is though I want to achieve my dreams and I can only see how a relationship would hurt that, I can’t see how it would help. I like being alone, I like my space, I like my things the way I leave them and I don’t like to share.

Maybe I am just different and I just need to find people who are different like me.

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Casual Sex and Homework

To organize my thoughts better I am breaking this weeks posts into two sections. One for school and one for my personal life.

School:

My first paper for English is due tomorrow and I am having a hard time writing it for a few reasons the first of which being the fact that my English teacher hates me. I feel like no matter how hard I try the best grade I could hope to get would be a B. I have had several people tell me that I should try to switch classes or talk to the dean but I feel like that’s just wrong. Am I going to complain every time a teacher doesn’t like me? Am I going to drop every class just because I don’t like the teacher? Isn’t this just a different kind of learning experience? I’m not giving myself an excuse. I am going to stick it out and I am going to kick ass. Save any conversations I have with the dean for real issues so I can be taken seriously as an adult.

All my other classes are wonderful. It may be the fact that I’ve started to love to learn or my classes may really just be amazing. I love going to school. My history teacher is funny and passionate about history which is amazing. I have learned more about American history in these 3 weeks than all of my previous history classes put together. My criminal justice class is fascinating and I love all the people. My communications class is interesting but we haven’t followed the syllabus at all. We were supposed to have our paper due last week but he still hasn’t given us any instruction on it. He keeps telling us he will get to it next class which is a bit frustrating. I just hope I have enough time to do well.

Personal:

I spent another night with Lincoln, this time at a hotel. It was almost perfect except for him telling me not to fall in love with him over and over. I get it, this has no future but its nice sometimes just to forget that for a night. I like spending time with him its easy and fun and I could love him but as soon as I think about having a boyfriend I instantly freak out for lack of a better term. I don’t want to share my space or my time or my life with someone right now. He talks about watching the fights together or going places together in the same breath he tells me not to love him. I have never been more confused on how a guy feels toward me or how I feel towards him. My brain and my heart say run but my libido says more.

Junior my ex from about 5 years ago has started messaging me again. He’s currently in the army in South Korea so there is not much there but I think about him all the time. Its like being 17 again waiting for him to text me. I never in a million years thought I would be talking to him again, I hadn’t even really thought about him in 5 years and then bam one message and its like I’m going to crazy.

Now that I actually know what I want out of life I don’t know what I want out of love. Is this college? Is this how it’s supposed to be? Casual sex and homework? Clarity and confusion all the time?

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Saying Goodbye to Summer

Summer semester is over. It feels so bittersweet and so strange that I’m never going to see most of those people ever again. Grades wont be posted for another week but the only class I’m worried about is sociology. My final didn’t go as well as I wanted so I’m no longer hoping for an A, a B will have to do. I really can’t believe summer semester went by so quickly.

The last day of class my psychology class my teacher had a discussion about love which was only slightly awkward with Lincoln in the class. We had another night together and the sex was wonderful but his continual need to tell me not to fall in love with him was disheartening. He likes me but he doesn’t want me to fall for him. Then in class he says “I think being loved is a basic human need”. I’m pretty sure my mouth fell open. You like me but you don’t want my basic human needs met? Confused doesn’t even begin to explained how this class discussion on love really left me feeling. It turns out I am a lot more cynical than I realized.

I used to truly believe that love was real and important and life changing, now if I’m being honest I truly believe men don’t love the way women do. So imagine my surprise as men from all ages, including the man telling me not to fall in love with him like its something crazy people do, are talking about how real love is. I’m from the love is bullshit school of thought. I literally cheered, without thinking, when someone said that love is bullshit out loud. When did I become that girl? When did I lose that amazing ability to even believe that something as wonderful as love could exist? How do I start believing again?

The class discussion on love really was the perfect way to end the class and the semester. It made me see that summer really is over. It was somehow easier to sleep with a douche who doesn’t want a relationship than to sleep with someone who believes in love but doesn’t want it with me. I can’t wait for fall semester to start even though I will miss everyone I met this summer.

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24 is the new 24?

After my midterm Thursday I feel like a superhero. It went well… I think. I wont get the test back till next class period soonest but I felt like I knew enough to hopefully get a B. Not only did I do great I finally realized Lincoln has no power over how much I love school. Test day came and he wasn’t even on my mind which was a huge relief. He wanted my awesome notes so he was sweet to me until the midterm since the test, however, nothing. Somehow being used for my mind rather than my body upsets me more than if he wanted to just get some ass.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about 24 and how this time turning 23 everything was so different. My “friends” at the time didn’t want anything to do with me for my birthday last year and I felt like my life was going nowhere. This year at least I know that I am doing something meaningful with my life. Turning 24 isn’t scary knowing I have a plan. Recently I watched  an amazing TED talk:

This talk really made me think about how I need to make every year count. That I can’t tune out now and expect that everything will fall into place later. I need to raise my standards for the men I date and the friends I plan to keep. I’ve been spending time with people who I know I have no intention in keeping in my life because what does it matter? I think to myself so what if she doesn’t have my back, it’s not like we are going to be friends in 2 years. This is the destructive attitude that has led me to fair-weather friends and sleeping with inappropriate  men, and that is the attitude I will leave behind in the age 23.

I want my 20’s to end with education and love. I am done settling for people who don’t acknowledge me in public. I am done with fake friends. I am done doubting myself. I can do this. I can get a PhD. 24 is going to be a huge year for me and I can’t wait to see where it takes me.

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Midterm Madness

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This Thursday marks the first of the two tests that will determine my entire grade in my sociology class so basically this will be just a cakewalk week (insert sarcasm here). I have literally never been as stressed for a test as I am for this one. My teacher did finally give us a study guide causing me to spend hours making flash cards and I’ve been answering every question on the study guide like it’s the actual test. If I do fail it wont be for lack of trying. The thing that scares me about this test is still no matter how much I study or how many terms/sociologists I memorize I still feel like I don’t know anything. I can’t fail this class or I lose my finical aid forever so you know no pressure. This feels like my first real test of my college career so please wish me luck.

My psychology class was super interesting this week. We regularly watch TED talks but this week we watched one that struck me on a profound level.  Ken Robinson, Education I highly recommend watching this link but basically it talks about how the education system kills creativity. He even specifically talks about a dancer. This really struck home for me because previously I was a dance major and the reason I switched was exactly what he talks about: I listened to all the people in my life telling me dance will never be a career. Don’t get me wrong I love being a psychology major and I wont be switching to anything else but it did get me thinking. Why isn’t dance a “real” career? The only thing I did do well on in high school were arts subject such as dance and theater and those never counted for anything. How many kids are falling through the cracks in the school systems because the things they excel at wont help them in a “real” careers according to the education system? Why don’t we value ballerinas as highly as we do doctors? Both take an incredible about of skill and dedication and both are incredibly difficult careers.

For those of you following my social life here are some updates. I spent another night with Lincoln and I like him more than I should. I know that it’s not going to turn into a happily ever after situation and yet I can’t help imaging studying for tests together and attending graduate schools together. I’m such a girl, in 3 weeks I wonder if we will even talk yet I keep piecing together a future with dogs and intellectual conversations. I don’t want to stop seeing him but my degree is more important to me than any relationship so I’m not sure what I want. Like I said in 3 weeks maybe we wont even talk anymore.

On a happier note my birthday is next week. I just have to make it through my midterm on Thursday then I get a birthday dinner Friday a birthday party Saturday then I leave for a mini vacation Monday. I will be missing one day from each of my classes but you don’t turn 24 everyday and I need a break.

Keep your fingers crossed that I pass my midterm and make it through this week!!

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Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

I finally got my first 2 tests back from my psychology teacher and I am happy to report I am a genius. That might be an overstatement but I did receive over 100% on both so I feel pretty darn good about myself. I really feel like I made the right choice picking psychology as my major. I have never been so happy with life. It feels like once I found my passion everything else has been falling into place. I’ve lost weight, I’m happier, and I love myself more. I’ve made some really great friends in class too. Brandi is never someone I would have thought I would be friends with but she is quickly becoming my favorite person. I love her spirit and she actually cares about all my shit. Its been a long time that I’ve had a true friend and I’m so glad she sat next to me in class.

Now I know you are all wondering about Lincoln. He’s not price charming but I’m not really looking for happily ever after so maybe that’s okay. He might be an alcoholic. The 2nd and most recent time I was with him he drank so much he couldn’t even get laid. He literally passed out while groping my boob. Like I said not exactly prince charming but the smile on his face while he was half asleep, hand resting on my chest, was pretty darn cute. With all the weight I’ve lost though it seems more and more cute guys are finally noticing how “smart” I am, so why would I settle for less than price charming?

My Sociology teacher finally gave us the date for our midterm, July 18th. She also informed us that our grade will be fully dependent on our midterm and our final. The midterm will be on chapters 1-7 and there will be essay questions. I feel overwhelmed. I need to do well so I will be fully reading chapters 1-7 as well as making flash cards of terms, theories, and sociologists. I feel like I’m going overboard but if I get to the test and know nothing I will feel like a failure. Like a poser. Like a confirmation that I don’t really belong there, that I’m just a high school drop out playing at a college student. I am hoping that my success is psychology means I really have changed and that I really do belong where it feels like I belong. In spite of myself I am really hoping Lincoln calls too.

Boys and school. Guess I really am a college student.

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Nature vs Nurture

Who am I? With school still over a month away from starting, I’ve been trying to prepare and keep the momentum going. I’ve been doing everything from listening to I Tunes U to reading psychology today, just to help me prepare for the way I need to think. The basis for a lot of the studies I’ve been reading are nature vs nurture. Basically how much of you is biology and how much is your experiences. This, naturally, has started me thinking about my birth parents.

Who are they? Do they hate fish or Does my birth mother wear her hair long? My adoption is a very closed adoption but my parents have always supported me trying to find my birth parents. Until recently, however, I’ve never had much of a desire to know them and now I wonder if I want to meet them for the wrong reasons. I have a family I don’t need more of one but I am very curious about my nature. Do I hate fish because I was never exposed to it as a child or did I inherit that from somewhere? I know my eyes are hazel and my hair is brown because of genetics, but why do I like to let my hair grow? I recently saw the movie Admission with Tina Faye which is secretly about adoption. It made me think for the first time what it would be like for my birth mom if I was suddenly in her life. I have always assumed I was a dirty little secret, like the last thing she would want is for her past to come back to haunt her. Maybe I am wrong maybe she would want to know me, really know me and I’m not sure I would want that. Mostly I would want specific answers about her basic personality with no real emotional bonding.

I really can’t wait for school to start. Now that I know what I really want it feels like every day that I’m not actively making progress toward my degree is a day wasted. Recently I’ve been feeling like I’m wasting my time with my “friends”. My best friend right now Tasha is fun to be with and its easy to hang out with her but we have a sketchy past. We used to hang out with this other girl Sierra and her boyfriend Elliott, who at the time was my best friend. Long story short being around these friends influenced me to act a way that to this day embarrasses me, culminating in me sleeping with Elliott. I justify it to myself as I thought I loved him but really I just wanted the feeling I would get with him. Tasha sided with them and I was left with no friends and no idea why I had become the person I was at the time. It felt like waking up from an alcohol induced blackout. Well long story short they ended up owing her a lot of money and never paid her and we ended up friends again with a mutual distaste for the couple. Recently I found out she had started talking to them again and trying to be their friend again. For obvious reasons I will never be accepted by that group again nor would I want to move backwards in my developmental process but I can’t help wonder what about me? If they fully accept her back into their group where does that leave me?

It feels like my whole life is waiting to start and I am stuck here in my past. June can’t come soon enough. School can’t come soon enough. Life can’t start soon enough.

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