Clever Like Me

GED to PHD?

Embracing Fall

Fall semester started one day before my grades for summer were finally posted. For the first time in my life, and I do mean ever, I received a 4.0! (insert applause here) I guess I didn’t really fail my sociology final like I was sure I did. Lincoln hasn’t spoken to me since the end of the semester so I guess you could say summer is really over. I think I should feel sad that Lincoln is out of my life but honestly he never was prince charming and he never wanted me in his. So with that is onward to fall semester.

This semester will not be easy instead of the 2 classes I took during the summer I have 4. I am taking English 1010, History (American Civilization), Communications (analysis of an argument), and Criminal Justice. I have already taken and passed English 2010 but I needed another English credit so I took the easy route. History I had taken and failed before so it is imperative that I pass with a high-grade not only to keep my financial aid but to fix my GPA. Communications should be interesting. The teacher seems a bit distracted so its my only class I don’t really know what to expect. Criminal Justice is already fascinating, I can not wait for the rest of the semester.

I am hoping to get another 4.0 but with working full-time and having 4 classes I’m not sure how feasible that is. To be fair though this whole blog is about achieving the impossible. The good news is there isn’t a single cute boy in any of my classes so I hopefully wont be as distracted as last semester. That might be an overstatement. There is one cute boy but he is only 19 and I don’t date boys that are fresh out of high school.

Well I have a lot of homework to do but as always I will be updating every Sunday, thanks for coming along this journey with me hopefully it will be interesting.

Advertisements
Leave a comment »

Saying Goodbye to Summer

Summer semester is over. It feels so bittersweet and so strange that I’m never going to see most of those people ever again. Grades wont be posted for another week but the only class I’m worried about is sociology. My final didn’t go as well as I wanted so I’m no longer hoping for an A, a B will have to do. I really can’t believe summer semester went by so quickly.

The last day of class my psychology class my teacher had a discussion about love which was only slightly awkward with Lincoln in the class. We had another night together and the sex was wonderful but his continual need to tell me not to fall in love with him was disheartening. He likes me but he doesn’t want me to fall for him. Then in class he says “I think being loved is a basic human need”. I’m pretty sure my mouth fell open. You like me but you don’t want my basic human needs met? Confused doesn’t even begin to explained how this class discussion on love really left me feeling. It turns out I am a lot more cynical than I realized.

I used to truly believe that love was real and important and life changing, now if I’m being honest I truly believe men don’t love the way women do. So imagine my surprise as men from all ages, including the man telling me not to fall in love with him like its something crazy people do, are talking about how real love is. I’m from the love is bullshit school of thought. I literally cheered, without thinking, when someone said that love is bullshit out loud. When did I become that girl? When did I lose that amazing ability to even believe that something as wonderful as love could exist? How do I start believing again?

The class discussion on love really was the perfect way to end the class and the semester. It made me see that summer really is over. It was somehow easier to sleep with a douche who doesn’t want a relationship than to sleep with someone who believes in love but doesn’t want it with me. I can’t wait for fall semester to start even though I will miss everyone I met this summer.

Leave a comment »

Pushing Success

I finally got my midterm back and (drum roll please)…….. 92% woo!! That’s an A freaking minus!! Turns out that whole thing called studying really does work. I am pretty proud of myself.  Just one more test to go for Sociology and just the final left for Psychology and I am done with summer semester. It really feels bittersweet that I didn’t get to spend more time in these amazing classes but I am excited that I have been able to have such amazing success. I have never been more dedicated or passionate about my education and it really feels amazing to be doing something with my life.

The big question comes what about fall. I already have 3 classes taking up my Monday through Thursday but today I found I could fit one more class into my schedule Fridays. I want to get my associates degree done as fast as possible but will adding another 3 credit hours and an extra day of school be just too much? Cost wise with my Pell Grant covering almost 700 of tuition I could afford it. It wouldn’t be cheap but it could be done. With the Pell Grant though I would have to continue to pass all my classes or I would have to pay the grant back. The 3 classes I have are English, Communications, and History.  All 3 will have reports and tests and I could use Fridays just for homework or I could add criminal justice on Fridays and get another 3 credits done. 12 credits is almost double the amount of credits I normally take and I’m concerned that I can’t do it. Especially considering that Christmas gets crazy for my work and they could add-on mandatory overtime. Then I wonder if I am just hearing my mom in my head saying “Don’t get overwhelmed” telling me I can’t do that much school and still do well.  Maybe I need to push myself to keep the momentum going, to stay motivated, to catch up to my peers.

If there are an other students out there who work and go to school full-time with any advice I would appreciate it!!

Leave a comment »

24 is the new 24?

After my midterm Thursday I feel like a superhero. It went well… I think. I wont get the test back till next class period soonest but I felt like I knew enough to hopefully get a B. Not only did I do great I finally realized Lincoln has no power over how much I love school. Test day came and he wasn’t even on my mind which was a huge relief. He wanted my awesome notes so he was sweet to me until the midterm since the test, however, nothing. Somehow being used for my mind rather than my body upsets me more than if he wanted to just get some ass.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about 24 and how this time turning 23 everything was so different. My “friends” at the time didn’t want anything to do with me for my birthday last year and I felt like my life was going nowhere. This year at least I know that I am doing something meaningful with my life. Turning 24 isn’t scary knowing I have a plan. Recently I watched  an amazing TED talk:

This talk really made me think about how I need to make every year count. That I can’t tune out now and expect that everything will fall into place later. I need to raise my standards for the men I date and the friends I plan to keep. I’ve been spending time with people who I know I have no intention in keeping in my life because what does it matter? I think to myself so what if she doesn’t have my back, it’s not like we are going to be friends in 2 years. This is the destructive attitude that has led me to fair-weather friends and sleeping with inappropriate  men, and that is the attitude I will leave behind in the age 23.

I want my 20’s to end with education and love. I am done settling for people who don’t acknowledge me in public. I am done with fake friends. I am done doubting myself. I can do this. I can get a PhD. 24 is going to be a huge year for me and I can’t wait to see where it takes me.

Leave a comment »

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

I finally got my first 2 tests back from my psychology teacher and I am happy to report I am a genius. That might be an overstatement but I did receive over 100% on both so I feel pretty darn good about myself. I really feel like I made the right choice picking psychology as my major. I have never been so happy with life. It feels like once I found my passion everything else has been falling into place. I’ve lost weight, I’m happier, and I love myself more. I’ve made some really great friends in class too. Brandi is never someone I would have thought I would be friends with but she is quickly becoming my favorite person. I love her spirit and she actually cares about all my shit. Its been a long time that I’ve had a true friend and I’m so glad she sat next to me in class.

Now I know you are all wondering about Lincoln. He’s not price charming but I’m not really looking for happily ever after so maybe that’s okay. He might be an alcoholic. The 2nd and most recent time I was with him he drank so much he couldn’t even get laid. He literally passed out while groping my boob. Like I said not exactly prince charming but the smile on his face while he was half asleep, hand resting on my chest, was pretty darn cute. With all the weight I’ve lost though it seems more and more cute guys are finally noticing how “smart” I am, so why would I settle for less than price charming?

My Sociology teacher finally gave us the date for our midterm, July 18th. She also informed us that our grade will be fully dependent on our midterm and our final. The midterm will be on chapters 1-7 and there will be essay questions. I feel overwhelmed. I need to do well so I will be fully reading chapters 1-7 as well as making flash cards of terms, theories, and sociologists. I feel like I’m going overboard but if I get to the test and know nothing I will feel like a failure. Like a poser. Like a confirmation that I don’t really belong there, that I’m just a high school drop out playing at a college student. I am hoping that my success is psychology means I really have changed and that I really do belong where it feels like I belong. In spite of myself I am really hoping Lincoln calls too.

Boys and school. Guess I really am a college student.

Leave a comment »

Patterns of Behavior

At our core is all we are just the patterns of behavior we’ve developed or can a person truly and deeply change? I have been able to successfully change my behavior by fully dedicating myself to school and homework, but not when it comes to social aspects of my life. Why am I falling back into comfortable routines that are probably going to do more damage than good? Can 3 weeks of dedication to school say anything about future success?

I slept with Lincoln and I don’t feel guilty about it. I should clarify the he did apologize for the remark he made out of the blue and we did set some personal boundaries. The night we spent together was fun and amazing and the best thing I’ve done in a while. The part I do feel guilty about is the time I’ve been spending thinking about him. Here I am in my blog about school dedicating a whole paragraph to him. I’m not in love, I’m under the influence of powerful hormones but is this weakness we all have to other people enough to derail ambitious people? What about newly ambitions people like me? Is the excitement I feel for school become replaced with the excitement of seeing him and if so what happens when he’s no longer in all my classes?

Speaking of my classes, finally, they have been going very well. I am still working ahead of my psychology class and I am able to answer every question with ease.  My sociology class is a little different. I don’t really know what I’m supposed to know. The midterm is chapters 1 – 7 and that’s all we’ve been told. No study guide, no hints as to what theories or event will be covered. Therefore, I have been reading the book and attending all the lectures. I would like to do very well on the tests but I’m concerned that since this class is graded based entirely on test scores I will retain the wrong information and fail.

On a happier note my financial aid has officially been approved! After they reviewed my appeal I had to meet with an adviser and the contract was approved today. I made the last $300 payment for summer and my fall tuition is going to be at the very least partially paid for. I planned myself a little birthday get away to celebrate.

Here’s hoping that my hormones return to normal and that someone really can change their patterns of behavior so I can continue to do well in school.

Leave a comment »

College 2 Weeks In.

Well my two classes psychology and sociology have been beyond different from each other. My psychology teacher comes to class unkempt and without a bra, has us watch way too many videos, and doesn’t teach things that are on the tests. Where as, my sociology teacher, is probably one of my favorite teaches I’ve ever had. Shes funny and smart and engaging and I’ve never been happier with a class. My only complaint with sociology is that we don’t have a clear syllabus. The main redeeming factor of my psychology class is the people. I love the friends I’ve already met in psychology. It feels like fate to be in the class I am with the people I am with. I guess this brings me to Lincoln.

Lincoln is a boy who is in both my classes who up until about 4 hours ago I was super interested in. Basically we flirted week one, mid way through this week he got my phone # and then today he decided it would be a good idea to text me “your cold hands would feel good on my balls”. This literally came out of the blue we had never talked about anything even close to sexual before and honestly it really made my feminist side so angry. Sitting here I want to be able to say maybe I overreacted but the truth is I don’t want to be with someone who thinks its appropriate to talk to a woman like that with in the first 3 conversations. So one again I’ve been reaffirmed in my desire to be single. Clearly men are pigs or I just have terrible taste in men.

The one good thing that came out of this whole Lincoln situation is that I am developing a theory about the willingness my generation has with saying things over text they would never say in person. It’s not a fully developed theory or hypothesis, clearly, but it has started me thinking like a psychologist. I am now very interested in social interactions done via social media sites and just plain texting. How does this differ from face to face interactions and how does this effect someones personality? Maybe this will be the topic of my next paper.

On a side note thank you for all the support you guys have been giving me!! I know my posting has been a bit sporadic so I wanted to let you know I will be posting every Sunday without fail starting 6/30/13. Thanks for reading everyone!!

Leave a comment »

Psychology 1010

Community College never ceases to impress me with the quality teachers they provide us. In this case my teacher, who must be 300 lbs, showed up to class wearing dirty sweats asking if she was in the right spot and my first impression was this poor lady is never going to pass the class. Surprise Surprise she is my teacher for the rest of the semester. So, scolding myself for my rush to judgement based entirely on appearance I decided to give her a shot. Well, she spent the first 30 minuets of the class teaching us how to fill in a bubble properly, as if we got all the way to college without ever taking a single standardized test. Then she told us about her PhD is social work which completely confused me on how she managed to do that and when she couldn’t get a YouTube video to load so she decided to restart her computer. All that aside, however, she is very well read in the most recent psychology studies and she does seem adept at getting you to think like a psychologist.

The material we are covering is truly fascinating and the people I met are inspiring for lack of a better word. It was nice to hear from other people in the class that they too have the desire to get their PhD  and they have real life goals. Such a nice change from everyone in my life raising their eyebrows every time I try to talk about getting a PhD. It really felt like being surrounded by my own peers, finally. I feel like most of the students are capable of having an in-depth discussion and will contribute to the class.

It feels like for the first time I belong, like I’ve found my people in this stupid community college 1010 class. It could be me projecting what I want onto the people around me only time will really tell but being around people who have similar goals has me elated. Here’s hoping tomorrows sociology class is wonderful as well.

2 Comments »

Excuse me

I had a bit of success at the beginning of last week when I finally was able to get the correct papers for my financial aid. The stupid financial aid lady even smiled and was kind to me explaining the payment process. I had 2 whole days of liberating success only to find a message waiting for me on my schools email system. I don’t qualify. “Not making satisfactory progress” is what they actually call it. Literally felt like a grand sign that maybe you can’t overcome your past. Maybe the reason why even the smallest first steps are so complicated is it’s not meant to be. Then I surprised myself. I took a week, partied and took a mini vacation with Tasha and then started the appeal process.

The appeal is very straight forward it wants to know why I deserve a second chance.  Its asks for specific documentation for things like a death in the family, a medical reason stating why I was unable to attend, or a damn good essaying explained why you’re a different person. I have recent deaths in my family as well as being diagnosed with adult onset asthma. I could tell them all about the pain losing both my cousin and my aunt suddenly, provide obituaries. I could tell them about how asthma changed my life. How every time I got a cold it would turn into pneumonia but I feel like that’s a lie. I feel like that’s just making excuses. I feel like the reason I didn’t do well is all on me. I was never too sick to come to school or grieving or any other real reason. I could have come and I could have done well but I chose not to. So now the real questions are; Do I use the system to get my out of my own past? Provide doctors notes and obituaries, spin a sad story and get the financial aid. Do I tell the truth and write an essay about who I was then and who I am now? Am I simply being too hard on myself? Maybe it’s not lying or making excuses. Maybe it’s doing what you have to do to reach your goals.

Leave a comment »

Never give up, Never Surrender

If it was easy it wouldn’t be worth it. This is what I have been telling myself all week. The worst part is school is still almost a month away from starting but trying to get my financial aid finished is hell. The school needs a specific form from the IRS for my taxes. This wouldn’t be such a nightmare but the place that did my taxes  this year put them under the wrong address which long story short has left the IRS to not recognize either my new or old address as correct. This has caused me to be unable to simply print the paper off or call and request the correct paper. The school says I need a tax account transcript, so I have brought them a copy of my full tax return, the paper that says account transcript that comes with the tax return and a paper printed off from my local IRS office also entitled tax account transcript. None of these are the right paper and honestly my financial aid office is no help. The lady literally told me “I’ve never heard of someone going to the IRS office and getting the wrong paper, NEXT!” so with that wonderful and helpful explanation I will attempt a round 3 at the IRS office. When I get so frustrated with this situation I have to keep reminding myself that I am still on step one and if I get frustrated and want to give up on step one I will never make it to my goal.

Family is heavily on my mind as it is Mother’s Day. I’m adopted but I’ve never felt bad about it. I never remember not knowing I was adopted. My mom always told me that my birth-mom loved me so much that even though she couldn’t take care of me she made sure she found the best people in the world that could. My mom also always told me that even though I didn’t come from her belly, I came from her heart. My parents did get divorced when I was about 11 but again I never really felt that bad about it. My dad had been sleeping in the basement for a couple of years before he left so in my mind it wasn’t a shock. My mom got remarried when I was 16 but Richard, who is my dad, came into my life when I was 14. My sister on the other hand had such a different experience both with being adopted and with my parents divorce leaving her with some mental health problems.

My sister and I will always have a bond that can’t be broken. For an entire year before I was adopted she started asking my mom for a baby sister. All she wanted for her birthday was a baby sister, and 2 weeks before her 3rd birthday she got me. While my parents were filling out the paperwork, my sister decided it was time to go find her baby sister. She did and she brought me to my parents forever being the first person to meet me in my family. Part of the reason I am going into psychology is because of my love for my sister. She has depression, anxiety, add, adhd, and pretty much anything else you can think of. I want to help her. I’m not really religious, but I do like to think that there is a grand design. I like to think that the reason I am my sisters sister and the reason I love psychology is in part to help her. Maybe I wont change the world but maybe I can change the world for people like my sister.

Happy mothers day to my mom and my birth-mom whoever you are, Happy Mothers Day to all the moms reading this (and yes pets count) and Happy Mothers Day to all the special women in the world.

1 Comment »