Clever Like Me

GED to PHD?

Singularly Satisfied

School:
Well today I get my paper back from the wicked witch of the west (aka my English teacher). I have no idea what kind of grade I will be getting but I have a feeling her personal feelings towards me will heavily impact it. I could be wrong. I could get my paper back at it could be an A in which case I will still think she is a bitch but a bitch who grades fairly. This week I also have to write 3 different papers one for history, criminal justice, and communications. I think my criminal justice and communications papers will be easily graded but my history teacher has already warned us only 5% of people get an A on his papers. I want to be part of that 5% but I am afraid of falling into a self-fulfilling prophecy and telling myself it’s okay to get a C because that is what every else is getting. I hate writing all these papers but I keep imagining myself (40 LBS lighter) standing in a cap and gown for the very first time and showing to myself that I can do this. It’s a pretty powerful way to keep myself motivated.

Personal:
What I’ve noticed most since starting college is I have no friends. I had a group of people I hung out with last year but long story short I slept with the wrong person in that group then told him he had a small dick and a napoleon complex (both of which are true) after he called me much, MUCH worse and needless to say I no longer am allowed to hang out with them. My friend Tasha still hangs out with that group which sometimes bothers me. She was telling me this week how they all went camping and shroomed and for a minute I felt jealous. No matter how old you get or how awful your friends are it still hurts being the odd man out. Then I thought to myself how good it feels to be separated from these people. I realized that the only time I think about them is when Tasha brings them up other than that I never feel like I’m missing anything. I started thinking about Tasha too and honestly I don’t know if I really want to try to be friends with her anymore. She would (and has) left me at a bar when taking me with her isn’t convenient, her idea of fun is drugs and lots of them, and the fact that she would choose to be friends with people I introduced to her that hate me and talk bad about me now shows me what kind of a person she is. I know that losing all my friends is going to suck but I can’t make room for good friends without getting rid of the bad ones.

Lincoln texted me on Sunday for a “release” I know that is all I am to him but I miss the days when boys actually tried to be sly. I always go back to the boyfriend issue when Lincoln is around. I like him, I think, but what would I do with a boyfriend. I feel like people who get married or have boyfriends are so (for lack of a better word) ordinary. It’s wonderful to be loved and to have companionship but I would rather have a string of lovers than a steady boyfriend. I wonder if that is just my age. Maybe in 5 years I will be married an looking at this post laughing at how ordinary I am. The truth is though I want to achieve my dreams and I can only see how a relationship would hurt that, I can’t see how it would help. I like being alone, I like my space, I like my things the way I leave them and I don’t like to share.

Maybe I am just different and I just need to find people who are different like me.

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Midterm Madness

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This Thursday marks the first of the two tests that will determine my entire grade in my sociology class so basically this will be just a cakewalk week (insert sarcasm here). I have literally never been as stressed for a test as I am for this one. My teacher did finally give us a study guide causing me to spend hours making flash cards and I’ve been answering every question on the study guide like it’s the actual test. If I do fail it wont be for lack of trying. The thing that scares me about this test is still no matter how much I study or how many terms/sociologists I memorize I still feel like I don’t know anything. I can’t fail this class or I lose my finical aid forever so you know no pressure. This feels like my first real test of my college career so please wish me luck.

My psychology class was super interesting this week. We regularly watch TED talks but this week we watched one that struck me on a profound level.  Ken Robinson, Education I highly recommend watching this link but basically it talks about how the education system kills creativity. He even specifically talks about a dancer. This really struck home for me because previously I was a dance major and the reason I switched was exactly what he talks about: I listened to all the people in my life telling me dance will never be a career. Don’t get me wrong I love being a psychology major and I wont be switching to anything else but it did get me thinking. Why isn’t dance a “real” career? The only thing I did do well on in high school were arts subject such as dance and theater and those never counted for anything. How many kids are falling through the cracks in the school systems because the things they excel at wont help them in a “real” careers according to the education system? Why don’t we value ballerinas as highly as we do doctors? Both take an incredible about of skill and dedication and both are incredibly difficult careers.

For those of you following my social life here are some updates. I spent another night with Lincoln and I like him more than I should. I know that it’s not going to turn into a happily ever after situation and yet I can’t help imaging studying for tests together and attending graduate schools together. I’m such a girl, in 3 weeks I wonder if we will even talk yet I keep piecing together a future with dogs and intellectual conversations. I don’t want to stop seeing him but my degree is more important to me than any relationship so I’m not sure what I want. Like I said in 3 weeks maybe we wont even talk anymore.

On a happier note my birthday is next week. I just have to make it through my midterm on Thursday then I get a birthday dinner Friday a birthday party Saturday then I leave for a mini vacation Monday. I will be missing one day from each of my classes but you don’t turn 24 everyday and I need a break.

Keep your fingers crossed that I pass my midterm and make it through this week!!

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Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

I finally got my first 2 tests back from my psychology teacher and I am happy to report I am a genius. That might be an overstatement but I did receive over 100% on both so I feel pretty darn good about myself. I really feel like I made the right choice picking psychology as my major. I have never been so happy with life. It feels like once I found my passion everything else has been falling into place. I’ve lost weight, I’m happier, and I love myself more. I’ve made some really great friends in class too. Brandi is never someone I would have thought I would be friends with but she is quickly becoming my favorite person. I love her spirit and she actually cares about all my shit. Its been a long time that I’ve had a true friend and I’m so glad she sat next to me in class.

Now I know you are all wondering about Lincoln. He’s not price charming but I’m not really looking for happily ever after so maybe that’s okay. He might be an alcoholic. The 2nd and most recent time I was with him he drank so much he couldn’t even get laid. He literally passed out while groping my boob. Like I said not exactly prince charming but the smile on his face while he was half asleep, hand resting on my chest, was pretty darn cute. With all the weight I’ve lost though it seems more and more cute guys are finally noticing how “smart” I am, so why would I settle for less than price charming?

My Sociology teacher finally gave us the date for our midterm, July 18th. She also informed us that our grade will be fully dependent on our midterm and our final. The midterm will be on chapters 1-7 and there will be essay questions. I feel overwhelmed. I need to do well so I will be fully reading chapters 1-7 as well as making flash cards of terms, theories, and sociologists. I feel like I’m going overboard but if I get to the test and know nothing I will feel like a failure. Like a poser. Like a confirmation that I don’t really belong there, that I’m just a high school drop out playing at a college student. I am hoping that my success is psychology means I really have changed and that I really do belong where it feels like I belong. In spite of myself I am really hoping Lincoln calls too.

Boys and school. Guess I really am a college student.

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College 2 Weeks In.

Well my two classes psychology and sociology have been beyond different from each other. My psychology teacher comes to class unkempt and without a bra, has us watch way too many videos, and doesn’t teach things that are on the tests. Where as, my sociology teacher, is probably one of my favorite teaches I’ve ever had. Shes funny and smart and engaging and I’ve never been happier with a class. My only complaint with sociology is that we don’t have a clear syllabus. The main redeeming factor of my psychology class is the people. I love the friends I’ve already met in psychology. It feels like fate to be in the class I am with the people I am with. I guess this brings me to Lincoln.

Lincoln is a boy who is in both my classes who up until about 4 hours ago I was super interested in. Basically we flirted week one, mid way through this week he got my phone # and then today he decided it would be a good idea to text me “your cold hands would feel good on my balls”. This literally came out of the blue we had never talked about anything even close to sexual before and honestly it really made my feminist side so angry. Sitting here I want to be able to say maybe I overreacted but the truth is I don’t want to be with someone who thinks its appropriate to talk to a woman like that with in the first 3 conversations. So one again I’ve been reaffirmed in my desire to be single. Clearly men are pigs or I just have terrible taste in men.

The one good thing that came out of this whole Lincoln situation is that I am developing a theory about the willingness my generation has with saying things over text they would never say in person. It’s not a fully developed theory or hypothesis, clearly, but it has started me thinking like a psychologist. I am now very interested in social interactions done via social media sites and just plain texting. How does this differ from face to face interactions and how does this effect someones personality? Maybe this will be the topic of my next paper.

On a side note thank you for all the support you guys have been giving me!! I know my posting has been a bit sporadic so I wanted to let you know I will be posting every Sunday without fail starting 6/30/13. Thanks for reading everyone!!

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