Clever Like Me

GED to PHD?

Singularly Satisfied

School:
Well today I get my paper back from the wicked witch of the west (aka my English teacher). I have no idea what kind of grade I will be getting but I have a feeling her personal feelings towards me will heavily impact it. I could be wrong. I could get my paper back at it could be an A in which case I will still think she is a bitch but a bitch who grades fairly. This week I also have to write 3 different papers one for history, criminal justice, and communications. I think my criminal justice and communications papers will be easily graded but my history teacher has already warned us only 5% of people get an A on his papers. I want to be part of that 5% but I am afraid of falling into a self-fulfilling prophecy and telling myself it’s okay to get a C because that is what every else is getting. I hate writing all these papers but I keep imagining myself (40 LBS lighter) standing in a cap and gown for the very first time and showing to myself that I can do this. It’s a pretty powerful way to keep myself motivated.

Personal:
What I’ve noticed most since starting college is I have no friends. I had a group of people I hung out with last year but long story short I slept with the wrong person in that group then told him he had a small dick and a napoleon complex (both of which are true) after he called me much, MUCH worse and needless to say I no longer am allowed to hang out with them. My friend Tasha still hangs out with that group which sometimes bothers me. She was telling me this week how they all went camping and shroomed and for a minute I felt jealous. No matter how old you get or how awful your friends are it still hurts being the odd man out. Then I thought to myself how good it feels to be separated from these people. I realized that the only time I think about them is when Tasha brings them up other than that I never feel like I’m missing anything. I started thinking about Tasha too and honestly I don’t know if I really want to try to be friends with her anymore. She would (and has) left me at a bar when taking me with her isn’t convenient, her idea of fun is drugs and lots of them, and the fact that she would choose to be friends with people I introduced to her that hate me and talk bad about me now shows me what kind of a person she is. I know that losing all my friends is going to suck but I can’t make room for good friends without getting rid of the bad ones.

Lincoln texted me on Sunday for a “release” I know that is all I am to him but I miss the days when boys actually tried to be sly. I always go back to the boyfriend issue when Lincoln is around. I like him, I think, but what would I do with a boyfriend. I feel like people who get married or have boyfriends are so (for lack of a better word) ordinary. It’s wonderful to be loved and to have companionship but I would rather have a string of lovers than a steady boyfriend. I wonder if that is just my age. Maybe in 5 years I will be married an looking at this post laughing at how ordinary I am. The truth is though I want to achieve my dreams and I can only see how a relationship would hurt that, I can’t see how it would help. I like being alone, I like my space, I like my things the way I leave them and I don’t like to share.

Maybe I am just different and I just need to find people who are different like me.

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Facing Fears?

Trying to balance a social life with school and work is becoming impossible. Now that it’s too late to drop any of my classes I’m starting to doubt myself. How am I possibly going to keep up with all my homework not to mention my job and social life? I keep hearing that little voice in my head that is telling me I’ve taken on too much. That I wont ever make it but what is life without a little challenge.

I didn’t go to my English class this week. I feel embarrassed after she called me out for participating too much in front of the class. I found out from a kid in my class that without me the class is completely silent. This got me thinking, what is it about some teachers that silently encourage participation verses teachers that encourage silence? My history teacher for example gets everyone in the class to participate and I do mean everyone including the scared sixteen year-olds without having to push for it. While my English teacher, even before her public criticism of me, doesn’t have any voluntary participation. What is it about her that makes people instinctively afraid to share their thoughts. I wouldn’t be surprised after her reaction to me if there is no longer any voluntary participation from anyone but still why are some teachers so welcoming while other teachers are so naturally cold. Tomorrow I do have to go back and face my fears and embarrassment head on. At the end of the day I can only hope I can add this to my list of new college experiences.

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Confrontational Conversations

Well just over a week into fall semester and I can officially for the first time in my college career I have a teacher who hates me. Three classes into the semester and I have been asked not to participate in class discussions in my English class. This whole big fish in a small pond thing seems to be backfiring. The worst part is normally I am a very quite student but after my success last semester I have fallen into my own self fulfilling prophecy where I believe I’m smart so there for I am. This seems to be working out well in all of my classes except English.

So my last English class went like this: My teacher would read thought-provoking articles from our text-book and then would ask for opinions. The class would stare at her silently, after a little bit of silence I would supply an opinion. After 3 times of being the only person in the class with an option I started watching the clock waiting a full 2 minutes before answering any other questions or responding in any way. The questions weren’t controversial or offensive in any way mostly what do you think this means or why do you think the writer wrote about this. Well after about the sixth question I had answered she says in front of the whole class “There are a lot of students in this class that would like to have a chance to speak so how about you keep your opinions to yourself from now on” not “Does anyone else have an answer” not “Lets give someone else a chance to answer”. Well needless to say I was very embarrassed and didn’t say a word for the rest of the class which, incidentally, remained silent till the end of class. After class I asked my teacher if she meant just for this class or for the remainder of the semester she wanted me to keep my mouth shut. She informed me that she meant for the rest of the semester to which I replied “Do I still get graded on my attendance?” The answer of course being yes. So I have to go but am no longer allowed to participate, should be an amazing semester.

I had another first for me this year. I had some asshole call me out for taking the elevator instead of the stairs. First the elevators are for all students not just disabled students but I do qualify under the label as disabled with my asthma. This dick decided to ask me if I was just too lazy to take the stairs which I laughed of at first, then he went on to say “No seriously, what is with people and their inability to use their god damn legs!” To this I replied I have asthma which he didn’t believe so I showed him my inhaler. He then said “Well I don’t know how that works but I bet if you exercised more your asthma would get better and I bet taking the stairs would be good for you.” I literally couldn’t believe what he just said. Do people really understand how debilitating asthma is? I used to be a dancer and now I am lucky to make it up one flight of stairs without gasping for my inhaler. I wanted to take his crutches and beat him with them but I just stopped talking to him. There is not enough patience in the world to deal with that kind of ignorance.

The one bright spot in my week is my Criminal Justice class. It is by far my favorite and most interesting class this semester, not to mention it has all the cute boys. Cute boys aside though the whole class is smart and responsive with intelligent discussions. I don’t have to worry about answering too many questions or being to opinionated. It’s really the only class that I feel like I belong.

Well this semester is full of new challenges I never even imagined but I know everything that happens is teaching me lessons I need to know.

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Embracing Fall

Fall semester started one day before my grades for summer were finally posted. For the first time in my life, and I do mean ever, I received a 4.0! (insert applause here) I guess I didn’t really fail my sociology final like I was sure I did. Lincoln hasn’t spoken to me since the end of the semester so I guess you could say summer is really over. I think I should feel sad that Lincoln is out of my life but honestly he never was prince charming and he never wanted me in his. So with that is onward to fall semester.

This semester will not be easy instead of the 2 classes I took during the summer I have 4. I am taking English 1010, History (American Civilization), Communications (analysis of an argument), and Criminal Justice. I have already taken and passed English 2010 but I needed another English credit so I took the easy route. History I had taken and failed before so it is imperative that I pass with a high-grade not only to keep my financial aid but to fix my GPA. Communications should be interesting. The teacher seems a bit distracted so its my only class I don’t really know what to expect. Criminal Justice is already fascinating, I can not wait for the rest of the semester.

I am hoping to get another 4.0 but with working full-time and having 4 classes I’m not sure how feasible that is. To be fair though this whole blog is about achieving the impossible. The good news is there isn’t a single cute boy in any of my classes so I hopefully wont be as distracted as last semester. That might be an overstatement. There is one cute boy but he is only 19 and I don’t date boys that are fresh out of high school.

Well I have a lot of homework to do but as always I will be updating every Sunday, thanks for coming along this journey with me hopefully it will be interesting.

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