Clever Like Me

GED to PHD?

Casual Sex and Homework

To organize my thoughts better I am breaking this weeks posts into two sections. One for school and one for my personal life.

School:

My first paper for English is due tomorrow and I am having a hard time writing it for a few reasons the first of which being the fact that my English teacher hates me. I feel like no matter how hard I try the best grade I could hope to get would be a B. I have had several people tell me that I should try to switch classes or talk to the dean but I feel like that’s just wrong. Am I going to complain every time a teacher doesn’t like me? Am I going to drop every class just because I don’t like the teacher? Isn’t this just a different kind of learning experience? I’m not giving myself an excuse. I am going to stick it out and I am going to kick ass. Save any conversations I have with the dean for real issues so I can be taken seriously as an adult.

All my other classes are wonderful. It may be the fact that I’ve started to love to learn or my classes may really just be amazing. I love going to school. My history teacher is funny and passionate about history which is amazing. I have learned more about American history in these 3 weeks than all of my previous history classes put together. My criminal justice class is fascinating and I love all the people. My communications class is interesting but we haven’t followed the syllabus at all. We were supposed to have our paper due last week but he still hasn’t given us any instruction on it. He keeps telling us he will get to it next class which is a bit frustrating. I just hope I have enough time to do well.

Personal:

I spent another night with Lincoln, this time at a hotel. It was almost perfect except for him telling me not to fall in love with him over and over. I get it, this has no future but its nice sometimes just to forget that for a night. I like spending time with him its easy and fun and I could love him but as soon as I think about having a boyfriend I instantly freak out for lack of a better term. I don’t want to share my space or my time or my life with someone right now. He talks about watching the fights together or going places together in the same breath he tells me not to love him. I have never been more confused on how a guy feels toward me or how I feel towards him. My brain and my heart say run but my libido says more.

Junior my ex from about 5 years ago has started messaging me again. He’s currently in the army in South Korea so there is not much there but I think about him all the time. Its like being 17 again waiting for him to text me. I never in a million years thought I would be talking to him again, I hadn’t even really thought about him in 5 years and then bam one message and its like I’m going to crazy.

Now that I actually know what I want out of life I don’t know what I want out of love. Is this college? Is this how it’s supposed to be? Casual sex and homework? Clarity and confusion all the time?

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Saying Goodbye to Summer

Summer semester is over. It feels so bittersweet and so strange that I’m never going to see most of those people ever again. Grades wont be posted for another week but the only class I’m worried about is sociology. My final didn’t go as well as I wanted so I’m no longer hoping for an A, a B will have to do. I really can’t believe summer semester went by so quickly.

The last day of class my psychology class my teacher had a discussion about love which was only slightly awkward with Lincoln in the class. We had another night together and the sex was wonderful but his continual need to tell me not to fall in love with him was disheartening. He likes me but he doesn’t want me to fall for him. Then in class he says “I think being loved is a basic human need”. I’m pretty sure my mouth fell open. You like me but you don’t want my basic human needs met? Confused doesn’t even begin to explained how this class discussion on love really left me feeling. It turns out I am a lot more cynical than I realized.

I used to truly believe that love was real and important and life changing, now if I’m being honest I truly believe men don’t love the way women do. So imagine my surprise as men from all ages, including the man telling me not to fall in love with him like its something crazy people do, are talking about how real love is. I’m from the love is bullshit school of thought. I literally cheered, without thinking, when someone said that love is bullshit out loud. When did I become that girl? When did I lose that amazing ability to even believe that something as wonderful as love could exist? How do I start believing again?

The class discussion on love really was the perfect way to end the class and the semester. It made me see that summer really is over. It was somehow easier to sleep with a douche who doesn’t want a relationship than to sleep with someone who believes in love but doesn’t want it with me. I can’t wait for fall semester to start even though I will miss everyone I met this summer.

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Pushing Success

I finally got my midterm back and (drum roll please)…….. 92% woo!! That’s an A freaking minus!! Turns out that whole thing called studying really does work. I am pretty proud of myself.  Just one more test to go for Sociology and just the final left for Psychology and I am done with summer semester. It really feels bittersweet that I didn’t get to spend more time in these amazing classes but I am excited that I have been able to have such amazing success. I have never been more dedicated or passionate about my education and it really feels amazing to be doing something with my life.

The big question comes what about fall. I already have 3 classes taking up my Monday through Thursday but today I found I could fit one more class into my schedule Fridays. I want to get my associates degree done as fast as possible but will adding another 3 credit hours and an extra day of school be just too much? Cost wise with my Pell Grant covering almost 700 of tuition I could afford it. It wouldn’t be cheap but it could be done. With the Pell Grant though I would have to continue to pass all my classes or I would have to pay the grant back. The 3 classes I have are English, Communications, and History.  All 3 will have reports and tests and I could use Fridays just for homework or I could add criminal justice on Fridays and get another 3 credits done. 12 credits is almost double the amount of credits I normally take and I’m concerned that I can’t do it. Especially considering that Christmas gets crazy for my work and they could add-on mandatory overtime. Then I wonder if I am just hearing my mom in my head saying “Don’t get overwhelmed” telling me I can’t do that much school and still do well.  Maybe I need to push myself to keep the momentum going, to stay motivated, to catch up to my peers.

If there are an other students out there who work and go to school full-time with any advice I would appreciate it!!

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Patterns of Behavior

At our core is all we are just the patterns of behavior we’ve developed or can a person truly and deeply change? I have been able to successfully change my behavior by fully dedicating myself to school and homework, but not when it comes to social aspects of my life. Why am I falling back into comfortable routines that are probably going to do more damage than good? Can 3 weeks of dedication to school say anything about future success?

I slept with Lincoln and I don’t feel guilty about it. I should clarify the he did apologize for the remark he made out of the blue and we did set some personal boundaries. The night we spent together was fun and amazing and the best thing I’ve done in a while. The part I do feel guilty about is the time I’ve been spending thinking about him. Here I am in my blog about school dedicating a whole paragraph to him. I’m not in love, I’m under the influence of powerful hormones but is this weakness we all have to other people enough to derail ambitious people? What about newly ambitions people like me? Is the excitement I feel for school become replaced with the excitement of seeing him and if so what happens when he’s no longer in all my classes?

Speaking of my classes, finally, they have been going very well. I am still working ahead of my psychology class and I am able to answer every question with ease.  My sociology class is a little different. I don’t really know what I’m supposed to know. The midterm is chapters 1 – 7 and that’s all we’ve been told. No study guide, no hints as to what theories or event will be covered. Therefore, I have been reading the book and attending all the lectures. I would like to do very well on the tests but I’m concerned that since this class is graded based entirely on test scores I will retain the wrong information and fail.

On a happier note my financial aid has officially been approved! After they reviewed my appeal I had to meet with an adviser and the contract was approved today. I made the last $300 payment for summer and my fall tuition is going to be at the very least partially paid for. I planned myself a little birthday get away to celebrate.

Here’s hoping that my hormones return to normal and that someone really can change their patterns of behavior so I can continue to do well in school.

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College 2 Weeks In.

Well my two classes psychology and sociology have been beyond different from each other. My psychology teacher comes to class unkempt and without a bra, has us watch way too many videos, and doesn’t teach things that are on the tests. Where as, my sociology teacher, is probably one of my favorite teaches I’ve ever had. Shes funny and smart and engaging and I’ve never been happier with a class. My only complaint with sociology is that we don’t have a clear syllabus. The main redeeming factor of my psychology class is the people. I love the friends I’ve already met in psychology. It feels like fate to be in the class I am with the people I am with. I guess this brings me to Lincoln.

Lincoln is a boy who is in both my classes who up until about 4 hours ago I was super interested in. Basically we flirted week one, mid way through this week he got my phone # and then today he decided it would be a good idea to text me “your cold hands would feel good on my balls”. This literally came out of the blue we had never talked about anything even close to sexual before and honestly it really made my feminist side so angry. Sitting here I want to be able to say maybe I overreacted but the truth is I don’t want to be with someone who thinks its appropriate to talk to a woman like that with in the first 3 conversations. So one again I’ve been reaffirmed in my desire to be single. Clearly men are pigs or I just have terrible taste in men.

The one good thing that came out of this whole Lincoln situation is that I am developing a theory about the willingness my generation has with saying things over text they would never say in person. It’s not a fully developed theory or hypothesis, clearly, but it has started me thinking like a psychologist. I am now very interested in social interactions done via social media sites and just plain texting. How does this differ from face to face interactions and how does this effect someones personality? Maybe this will be the topic of my next paper.

On a side note thank you for all the support you guys have been giving me!! I know my posting has been a bit sporadic so I wanted to let you know I will be posting every Sunday without fail starting 6/30/13. Thanks for reading everyone!!

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Nature vs Nurture

Who am I? With school still over a month away from starting, I’ve been trying to prepare and keep the momentum going. I’ve been doing everything from listening to I Tunes U to reading psychology today, just to help me prepare for the way I need to think. The basis for a lot of the studies I’ve been reading are nature vs nurture. Basically how much of you is biology and how much is your experiences. This, naturally, has started me thinking about my birth parents.

Who are they? Do they hate fish or Does my birth mother wear her hair long? My adoption is a very closed adoption but my parents have always supported me trying to find my birth parents. Until recently, however, I’ve never had much of a desire to know them and now I wonder if I want to meet them for the wrong reasons. I have a family I don’t need more of one but I am very curious about my nature. Do I hate fish because I was never exposed to it as a child or did I inherit that from somewhere? I know my eyes are hazel and my hair is brown because of genetics, but why do I like to let my hair grow? I recently saw the movie Admission with Tina Faye which is secretly about adoption. It made me think for the first time what it would be like for my birth mom if I was suddenly in her life. I have always assumed I was a dirty little secret, like the last thing she would want is for her past to come back to haunt her. Maybe I am wrong maybe she would want to know me, really know me and I’m not sure I would want that. Mostly I would want specific answers about her basic personality with no real emotional bonding.

I really can’t wait for school to start. Now that I know what I really want it feels like every day that I’m not actively making progress toward my degree is a day wasted. Recently I’ve been feeling like I’m wasting my time with my “friends”. My best friend right now Tasha is fun to be with and its easy to hang out with her but we have a sketchy past. We used to hang out with this other girl Sierra and her boyfriend Elliott, who at the time was my best friend. Long story short being around these friends influenced me to act a way that to this day embarrasses me, culminating in me sleeping with Elliott. I justify it to myself as I thought I loved him but really I just wanted the feeling I would get with him. Tasha sided with them and I was left with no friends and no idea why I had become the person I was at the time. It felt like waking up from an alcohol induced blackout. Well long story short they ended up owing her a lot of money and never paid her and we ended up friends again with a mutual distaste for the couple. Recently I found out she had started talking to them again and trying to be their friend again. For obvious reasons I will never be accepted by that group again nor would I want to move backwards in my developmental process but I can’t help wonder what about me? If they fully accept her back into their group where does that leave me?

It feels like my whole life is waiting to start and I am stuck here in my past. June can’t come soon enough. School can’t come soon enough. Life can’t start soon enough.

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