Clever Like Me

GED to PHD?

Saying Goodbye to Summer

Summer semester is over. It feels so bittersweet and so strange that I’m never going to see most of those people ever again. Grades wont be posted for another week but the only class I’m worried about is sociology. My final didn’t go as well as I wanted so I’m no longer hoping for an A, a B will have to do. I really can’t believe summer semester went by so quickly.

The last day of class my psychology class my teacher had a discussion about love which was only slightly awkward with Lincoln in the class. We had another night together and the sex was wonderful but his continual need to tell me not to fall in love with him was disheartening. He likes me but he doesn’t want me to fall for him. Then in class he says “I think being loved is a basic human need”. I’m pretty sure my mouth fell open. You like me but you don’t want my basic human needs met? Confused doesn’t even begin to explained how this class discussion on love really left me feeling. It turns out I am a lot more cynical than I realized.

I used to truly believe that love was real and important and life changing, now if I’m being honest I truly believe men don’t love the way women do. So imagine my surprise as men from all ages, including the man telling me not to fall in love with him like its something crazy people do, are talking about how real love is. I’m from the love is bullshit school of thought. I literally cheered, without thinking, when someone said that love is bullshit out loud. When did I become that girl? When did I lose that amazing ability to even believe that something as wonderful as love could exist? How do I start believing again?

The class discussion on love really was the perfect way to end the class and the semester. It made me see that summer really is over. It was somehow easier to sleep with a douche who doesn’t want a relationship than to sleep with someone who believes in love but doesn’t want it with me. I can’t wait for fall semester to start even though I will miss everyone I met this summer.

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24 is the new 24?

After my midterm Thursday I feel like a superhero. It went well… I think. I wont get the test back till next class period soonest but I felt like I knew enough to hopefully get a B. Not only did I do great I finally realized Lincoln has no power over how much I love school. Test day came and he wasn’t even on my mind which was a huge relief. He wanted my awesome notes so he was sweet to me until the midterm since the test, however, nothing. Somehow being used for my mind rather than my body upsets me more than if he wanted to just get some ass.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about 24 and how this time turning 23 everything was so different. My “friends” at the time didn’t want anything to do with me for my birthday last year and I felt like my life was going nowhere. This year at least I know that I am doing something meaningful with my life. Turning 24 isn’t scary knowing I have a plan. Recently I watched¬† an amazing TED talk:

This talk really made me think about how I need to make every year count. That I can’t tune out now and expect that everything will fall into place later. I need to raise my standards for the men I date and the friends I plan to keep. I’ve been spending time with people who I know I have no intention in keeping in my life because what does it matter? I think to myself so what if she doesn’t have my back, it’s not like we are going to be friends in 2 years. This is the destructive attitude that has led me to fair-weather friends and sleeping with inappropriate¬† men, and that is the attitude I will leave behind in the age 23.

I want my 20’s to end with education and love. I am done settling for people who don’t acknowledge me in public. I am done with fake friends. I am done doubting myself. I can do this. I can get a PhD. 24 is going to be a huge year for me and I can’t wait to see where it takes me.

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Patterns of Behavior

At our core is all we are just the patterns of behavior we’ve developed or can a person truly and deeply change? I have been able to successfully change my behavior by fully dedicating myself to school and homework, but not when it comes to social aspects of my life. Why am I falling back into comfortable routines that are probably going to do more damage than good? Can 3 weeks of dedication to school say anything about future success?

I slept with Lincoln and I don’t feel guilty about it. I should clarify the he did apologize for the remark he made out of the blue and we did set some personal boundaries. The night we spent together was fun and amazing and the best thing I’ve done in a while. The part I do feel guilty about is the time I’ve been spending thinking about him. Here I am in my blog about school dedicating a whole paragraph to him. I’m not in love, I’m under the influence of powerful hormones but is this weakness we all have to other people enough to derail ambitious people? What about newly ambitions people like me? Is the excitement I feel for school become replaced with the excitement of seeing him and if so what happens when he’s no longer in all my classes?

Speaking of my classes, finally, they have been going very well. I am still working ahead of my psychology class and I am able to answer every question with ease.  My sociology class is a little different. I don’t really know what I’m supposed to know. The midterm is chapters 1 – 7 and that’s all we’ve been told. No study guide, no hints as to what theories or event will be covered. Therefore, I have been reading the book and attending all the lectures. I would like to do very well on the tests but I’m concerned that since this class is graded based entirely on test scores I will retain the wrong information and fail.

On a happier note my financial aid has officially been approved! After they reviewed my appeal I had to meet with an adviser and the contract was approved today. I made the last $300 payment for summer and my fall tuition is going to be at the very least partially paid for. I planned myself a little birthday get away to celebrate.

Here’s hoping that my hormones return to normal and that someone really can change their patterns of behavior so I can continue to do well in school.

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Never give up, Never Surrender

If it was easy it wouldn’t be worth it. This is what I have been telling myself all week. The worst part is school is still almost a month away from starting but trying to get my financial aid finished is hell. The school needs a specific form from the IRS for my taxes. This wouldn’t be such a nightmare but the place that did my taxes¬† this year put them under the wrong address which long story short has left the IRS to not recognize either my new or old address as correct. This has caused me to be unable to simply print the paper off or call and request the correct paper. The school says I need a tax account transcript, so I have brought them a copy of my full tax return, the paper that says account transcript that comes with the tax return and a paper printed off from my local IRS office also entitled tax account transcript. None of these are the right paper and honestly my financial aid office is no help. The lady literally told me “I’ve never heard of someone going to the IRS office and getting the wrong paper, NEXT!” so with that wonderful and helpful explanation I will attempt a round 3 at the IRS office. When I get so frustrated with this situation I have to keep reminding myself that I am still on step one and if I get frustrated and want to give up on step one I will never make it to my goal.

Family is heavily on my mind as it is Mother’s Day. I’m adopted but I’ve never felt bad about it. I never remember not knowing I was adopted. My mom always told me that my birth-mom loved me so much that even though she couldn’t take care of me she made sure she found the best people in the world that could. My mom also always told me that even though I didn’t come from her belly, I came from her heart. My parents did get divorced when I was about 11 but again I never really felt that bad about it. My dad had been sleeping in the basement for a couple of years before he left so in my mind it wasn’t a shock. My mom got remarried when I was 16 but Richard, who is my dad, came into my life when I was 14. My sister on the other hand had such a different experience both with being adopted and with my parents divorce leaving her with some mental health problems.

My sister and I will always have a bond that can’t be broken. For an entire year before I was adopted she started asking my mom for a baby sister. All she wanted for her birthday was a baby sister, and 2 weeks before her 3rd birthday she got me. While my parents were filling out the paperwork, my sister decided it was time to go find her baby sister. She did and she brought me to my parents forever being the first person to meet me in my family. Part of the reason I am going into psychology is because of my love for my sister. She has depression, anxiety, add, adhd, and pretty much anything else you can think of. I want to help her. I’m not really religious, but I do like to think that there is a grand design. I like to think that the reason I am my sisters sister and the reason I love psychology is in part to help her. Maybe I wont change the world but maybe I can change the world for people like my sister.

Happy mothers day to my mom and my birth-mom whoever you are, Happy Mothers Day to all the moms reading this (and yes pets count) and Happy Mothers Day to all the special women in the world.

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Nature vs Nurture

Who am I? With school still over a month away from starting, I’ve been trying to prepare and keep the momentum going. I’ve been doing everything from listening to I Tunes U to reading psychology today, just to help me prepare for the way I need to think. The basis for a lot of the studies I’ve been reading are nature vs nurture. Basically how much of you is biology and how much is your experiences. This, naturally, has started me thinking about my birth parents.

Who are they? Do they hate fish or Does my birth mother wear her hair long? My adoption is a very closed adoption but my parents have always supported me trying to find my birth parents. Until recently, however, I’ve never had much of a desire to know them and now I wonder if I want to meet them for the wrong reasons. I have a family I don’t need more of one but I am very curious about my nature. Do I hate fish because I was never exposed to it as a child or did I inherit that from somewhere? I know my eyes are hazel and my hair is brown because of genetics, but why do I like to let my hair grow? I recently saw the movie Admission with Tina Faye which is secretly about adoption. It made me think for the first time what it would be like for my birth mom if I was suddenly in her life. I have always assumed I was a dirty little secret, like the last thing she would want is for her past to come back to haunt her. Maybe I am wrong maybe she would want to know me, really know me and I’m not sure I would want that. Mostly I would want specific answers about her basic personality with no real emotional bonding.

I really can’t wait for school to start. Now that I know what I really want it feels like every day that I’m not actively making progress toward my degree is a day wasted. Recently I’ve been feeling like I’m wasting my time with my “friends”. My best friend right now Tasha is fun to be with and its easy to hang out with her but we have a sketchy past. We used to hang out with this other girl Sierra and her boyfriend Elliott, who at the time was my best friend. Long story short being around these friends influenced me to act a way that to this day embarrasses me, culminating in me sleeping with Elliott. I justify it to myself as I thought I loved him but really I just wanted the feeling I would get with him. Tasha sided with them and I was left with no friends and no idea why I had become the person I was at the time. It felt like waking up from an alcohol induced blackout. Well long story short they ended up owing her a lot of money and never paid her and we ended up friends again with a mutual distaste for the couple. Recently I found out she had started talking to them again and trying to be their friend again. For obvious reasons I will never be accepted by that group again nor would I want to move backwards in my developmental process but I can’t help wonder what about me? If they fully accept her back into their group where does that leave me?

It feels like my whole life is waiting to start and I am stuck here in my past. June can’t come soon enough. School can’t come soon enough. Life can’t start soon enough.

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Feeling Free

This is the exciting part, the beginning of a new adventure. Really its the feeling that anything can happen, that maybe just maybe this story will end with an actual PhD. The trouble I’m having is now I’m just old enough to know that plans change, that not all dreams come true and I feel this tiny wave of panic. Am I getting my hopes up for just another life lesson? When I look at the long long road I have to go it feels impossible. In order to stave off the panic I’ve decided to only focus on one step at a time and celebrate every step of the way. Every credit I earn every test I take is one step closer and farther than anyone thought I could go.

My school received my FAFSA data so it looks like all I have to do is fill out some forms and they will let me know what I qualify for. I had to officially declare my major as psychology. It was weird declaring an actual hard major instead of theater or dance. I really never thought I would be taking school this seriously. I feel like an adult with a “real” dream. It feels very free, like who knows where this will take me. I don’t have a husband or kids or responsibilities tying me to one location. I have a pug and fortunately she can go where I go. It really feels like for the first time I’m taking to world by storm so to speak and all I have done is get enrolled in community college. I still have so so far to go but in a way that’s exciting as well as terrifying.

I want to change my life, that’s the whole reason I am doing this but sometimes I feel like this is not enough. I want to come out of this as almost completely new me. Not that there is anything wrong with the current me. I think I’m actually pretty awesome so not really a new me but an upgraded me. This for me means its time to change everything. I’m working on my dreams and one of my new dreams is to lose weight. I’ve never considered myself particularly large but lately the weight feels strange on my body. As if it doesn’t belong and its just been waiting for me to notice. I feel fully awake for the first time and am so excited once again for the future. Still not sure how I am going to become this super woman balancing work, school and this healthy life style but the point is I’m excited to try.

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