Clever Like Me

GED to PHD?

Midterm Madness

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This Thursday marks the first of the two tests that will determine my entire grade in my sociology class so basically this will be just a cakewalk week (insert sarcasm here). I have literally never been as stressed for a test as I am for this one. My teacher did finally give us a study guide causing me to spend hours making flash cards and I’ve been answering every question on the study guide like it’s the actual test. If I do fail it wont be for lack of trying. The thing that scares me about this test is still no matter how much I study or how many terms/sociologists I memorize I still feel like I don’t know anything. I can’t fail this class or I lose my finical aid forever so you know no pressure. This feels like my first real test of my college career so please wish me luck.

My psychology class was super interesting this week. We regularly watch TED talks but this week we watched one that struck me on a profound level.  Ken Robinson, Education I highly recommend watching this link but basically it talks about how the education system kills creativity. He even specifically talks about a dancer. This really struck home for me because previously I was a dance major and the reason I switched was exactly what he talks about: I listened to all the people in my life telling me dance will never be a career. Don’t get me wrong I love being a psychology major and I wont be switching to anything else but it did get me thinking. Why isn’t dance a “real” career? The only thing I did do well on in high school were arts subject such as dance and theater and those never counted for anything. How many kids are falling through the cracks in the school systems because the things they excel at wont help them in a “real” careers according to the education system? Why don’t we value ballerinas as highly as we do doctors? Both take an incredible about of skill and dedication and both are incredibly difficult careers.

For those of you following my social life here are some updates. I spent another night with Lincoln and I like him more than I should. I know that it’s not going to turn into a happily ever after situation and yet I can’t help imaging studying for tests together and attending graduate schools together. I’m such a girl, in 3 weeks I wonder if we will even talk yet I keep piecing together a future with dogs and intellectual conversations. I don’t want to stop seeing him but my degree is more important to me than any relationship so I’m not sure what I want. Like I said in 3 weeks maybe we wont even talk anymore.

On a happier note my birthday is next week. I just have to make it through my midterm on Thursday then I get a birthday dinner Friday a birthday party Saturday then I leave for a mini vacation Monday. I will be missing one day from each of my classes but you don’t turn 24 everyday and I need a break.

Keep your fingers crossed that I pass my midterm and make it through this week!!

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Nature vs Nurture

Who am I? With school still over a month away from starting, I’ve been trying to prepare and keep the momentum going. I’ve been doing everything from listening to I Tunes U to reading psychology today, just to help me prepare for the way I need to think. The basis for a lot of the studies I’ve been reading are nature vs nurture. Basically how much of you is biology and how much is your experiences. This, naturally, has started me thinking about my birth parents.

Who are they? Do they hate fish or Does my birth mother wear her hair long? My adoption is a very closed adoption but my parents have always supported me trying to find my birth parents. Until recently, however, I’ve never had much of a desire to know them and now I wonder if I want to meet them for the wrong reasons. I have a family I don’t need more of one but I am very curious about my nature. Do I hate fish because I was never exposed to it as a child or did I inherit that from somewhere? I know my eyes are hazel and my hair is brown because of genetics, but why do I like to let my hair grow? I recently saw the movie Admission with Tina Faye which is secretly about adoption. It made me think for the first time what it would be like for my birth mom if I was suddenly in her life. I have always assumed I was a dirty little secret, like the last thing she would want is for her past to come back to haunt her. Maybe I am wrong maybe she would want to know me, really know me and I’m not sure I would want that. Mostly I would want specific answers about her basic personality with no real emotional bonding.

I really can’t wait for school to start. Now that I know what I really want it feels like every day that I’m not actively making progress toward my degree is a day wasted. Recently I’ve been feeling like I’m wasting my time with my “friends”. My best friend right now Tasha is fun to be with and its easy to hang out with her but we have a sketchy past. We used to hang out with this other girl Sierra and her boyfriend Elliott, who at the time was my best friend. Long story short being around these friends influenced me to act a way that to this day embarrasses me, culminating in me sleeping with Elliott. I justify it to myself as I thought I loved him but really I just wanted the feeling I would get with him. Tasha sided with them and I was left with no friends and no idea why I had become the person I was at the time. It felt like waking up from an alcohol induced blackout. Well long story short they ended up owing her a lot of money and never paid her and we ended up friends again with a mutual distaste for the couple. Recently I found out she had started talking to them again and trying to be their friend again. For obvious reasons I will never be accepted by that group again nor would I want to move backwards in my developmental process but I can’t help wonder what about me? If they fully accept her back into their group where does that leave me?

It feels like my whole life is waiting to start and I am stuck here in my past. June can’t come soon enough. School can’t come soon enough. Life can’t start soon enough.

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