Clever Like Me

GED to PHD?

Under Pressure

School:
Well as if things weren’t a total mess Monday I was diagnosed with pneumonia and was stuck on bed rest until today. I was thinking at first oh good I will be able to work on my 4 papers that are due but that hasn’t really happened. I wasn’t able to get my paper back from English because I was stuck in my house but I heard from my friends that pretty much everyone failed the paper. Logically I know that if everyone failed there is a problem with the teacher not with me but failing the first paper of the semester isn’t a good start for me. I can’t help thinking about all the money I will owe the school if I fail even one class. I need to do well and I can’t afford to fail so why did I spend my whole week lying around doing nothing? Why does everything I try to write sound wrong? I was sick but I could have worked harder this week and I’m disappointed in myself.

All hope isn’t lost yet. I did get my communications paper done even though I’m not totally happy about it and I stated my history paper. Just thinking about my history paper makes me want to cry. I want an A but I am quickly coming to the realization that it may not be possible. I think that I’m trying so hard to write the perfect paper that I can’t write anything at all. It feels like all my dreams are resting on this one paper, this one semester and I feel like I’m going to fail. The fact I am scared to fail must mean I’m doing something right because if I didn’t care this much it wouldn’t be so important.

Personal:
A week on bed rest showed me that I really don’t have many friends. Is that normal for 24 or did I make some wrong choices that left me this way? I had some friends from work text me and want to know how I was doing which made me feel good. My other friends like Tasha didn’t seem to notice. Lincoln wanted sex and to his credit he wasn’t immediately disappointed when I told him I was sick, he asked if I was going to be okay first. We made a plan for Saturday. I have decided I am not going to analyze that relationship any more. He’s cute and fun to sleep with and I’m leaving it at that. Maybe the reason I don’t have real relationships is because I don’t prioritize them. I don’t have time for a boyfriend so I get the sex I need from Lincoln. I don’t have time for friends so I have coworkers who are the closest thing I have. I am not going to make more time to party with Tasha but maybe I need to open myself up to real friendships and relationships.

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Facing Fears?

Trying to balance a social life with school and work is becoming impossible. Now that it’s too late to drop any of my classes I’m starting to doubt myself. How am I possibly going to keep up with all my homework not to mention my job and social life? I keep hearing that little voice in my head that is telling me I’ve taken on too much. That I wont ever make it but what is life without a little challenge.

I didn’t go to my English class this week. I feel embarrassed after she called me out for participating too much in front of the class. I found out from a kid in my class that without me the class is completely silent. This got me thinking, what is it about some teachers that silently encourage participation verses teachers that encourage silence? My history teacher for example gets everyone in the class to participate and I do mean everyone including the scared sixteen year-olds without having to push for it. While my English teacher, even before her public criticism of me, doesn’t have any voluntary participation. What is it about her that makes people instinctively afraid to share their thoughts. I wouldn’t be surprised after her reaction to me if there is no longer any voluntary participation from anyone but still why are some teachers so welcoming while other teachers are so naturally cold. Tomorrow I do have to go back and face my fears and embarrassment head on. At the end of the day I can only hope I can add this to my list of new college experiences.

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