Clever Like Me

GED to PHD?

Under Pressure

School:
Well as if things weren’t a total mess Monday I was diagnosed with pneumonia and was stuck on bed rest until today. I was thinking at first oh good I will be able to work on my 4 papers that are due but that hasn’t really happened. I wasn’t able to get my paper back from English because I was stuck in my house but I heard from my friends that pretty much everyone failed the paper. Logically I know that if everyone failed there is a problem with the teacher not with me but failing the first paper of the semester isn’t a good start for me. I can’t help thinking about all the money I will owe the school if I fail even one class. I need to do well and I can’t afford to fail so why did I spend my whole week lying around doing nothing? Why does everything I try to write sound wrong? I was sick but I could have worked harder this week and I’m disappointed in myself.

All hope isn’t lost yet. I did get my communications paper done even though I’m not totally happy about it and I stated my history paper. Just thinking about my history paper makes me want to cry. I want an A but I am quickly coming to the realization that it may not be possible. I think that I’m trying so hard to write the perfect paper that I can’t write anything at all. It feels like all my dreams are resting on this one paper, this one semester and I feel like I’m going to fail. The fact I am scared to fail must mean I’m doing something right because if I didn’t care this much it wouldn’t be so important.

Personal:
A week on bed rest showed me that I really don’t have many friends. Is that normal for 24 or did I make some wrong choices that left me this way? I had some friends from work text me and want to know how I was doing which made me feel good. My other friends like Tasha didn’t seem to notice. Lincoln wanted sex and to his credit he wasn’t immediately disappointed when I told him I was sick, he asked if I was going to be okay first. We made a plan for Saturday. I have decided I am not going to analyze that relationship any more. He’s cute and fun to sleep with and I’m leaving it at that. Maybe the reason I don’t have real relationships is because I don’t prioritize them. I don’t have time for a boyfriend so I get the sex I need from Lincoln. I don’t have time for friends so I have coworkers who are the closest thing I have. I am not going to make more time to party with Tasha but maybe I need to open myself up to real friendships and relationships.

Advertisements
Leave a comment »

Singularly Satisfied

School:
Well today I get my paper back from the wicked witch of the west (aka my English teacher). I have no idea what kind of grade I will be getting but I have a feeling her personal feelings towards me will heavily impact it. I could be wrong. I could get my paper back at it could be an A in which case I will still think she is a bitch but a bitch who grades fairly. This week I also have to write 3 different papers one for history, criminal justice, and communications. I think my criminal justice and communications papers will be easily graded but my history teacher has already warned us only 5% of people get an A on his papers. I want to be part of that 5% but I am afraid of falling into a self-fulfilling prophecy and telling myself it’s okay to get a C because that is what every else is getting. I hate writing all these papers but I keep imagining myself (40 LBS lighter) standing in a cap and gown for the very first time and showing to myself that I can do this. It’s a pretty powerful way to keep myself motivated.

Personal:
What I’ve noticed most since starting college is I have no friends. I had a group of people I hung out with last year but long story short I slept with the wrong person in that group then told him he had a small dick and a napoleon complex (both of which are true) after he called me much, MUCH worse and needless to say I no longer am allowed to hang out with them. My friend Tasha still hangs out with that group which sometimes bothers me. She was telling me this week how they all went camping and shroomed and for a minute I felt jealous. No matter how old you get or how awful your friends are it still hurts being the odd man out. Then I thought to myself how good it feels to be separated from these people. I realized that the only time I think about them is when Tasha brings them up other than that I never feel like I’m missing anything. I started thinking about Tasha too and honestly I don’t know if I really want to try to be friends with her anymore. She would (and has) left me at a bar when taking me with her isn’t convenient, her idea of fun is drugs and lots of them, and the fact that she would choose to be friends with people I introduced to her that hate me and talk bad about me now shows me what kind of a person she is. I know that losing all my friends is going to suck but I can’t make room for good friends without getting rid of the bad ones.

Lincoln texted me on Sunday for a “release” I know that is all I am to him but I miss the days when boys actually tried to be sly. I always go back to the boyfriend issue when Lincoln is around. I like him, I think, but what would I do with a boyfriend. I feel like people who get married or have boyfriends are so (for lack of a better word) ordinary. It’s wonderful to be loved and to have companionship but I would rather have a string of lovers than a steady boyfriend. I wonder if that is just my age. Maybe in 5 years I will be married an looking at this post laughing at how ordinary I am. The truth is though I want to achieve my dreams and I can only see how a relationship would hurt that, I can’t see how it would help. I like being alone, I like my space, I like my things the way I leave them and I don’t like to share.

Maybe I am just different and I just need to find people who are different like me.

Leave a comment »

Casual Sex and Homework

To organize my thoughts better I am breaking this weeks posts into two sections. One for school and one for my personal life.

School:

My first paper for English is due tomorrow and I am having a hard time writing it for a few reasons the first of which being the fact that my English teacher hates me. I feel like no matter how hard I try the best grade I could hope to get would be a B. I have had several people tell me that I should try to switch classes or talk to the dean but I feel like that’s just wrong. Am I going to complain every time a teacher doesn’t like me? Am I going to drop every class just because I don’t like the teacher? Isn’t this just a different kind of learning experience? I’m not giving myself an excuse. I am going to stick it out and I am going to kick ass. Save any conversations I have with the dean for real issues so I can be taken seriously as an adult.

All my other classes are wonderful. It may be the fact that I’ve started to love to learn or my classes may really just be amazing. I love going to school. My history teacher is funny and passionate about history which is amazing. I have learned more about American history in these 3 weeks than all of my previous history classes put together. My criminal justice class is fascinating and I love all the people. My communications class is interesting but we haven’t followed the syllabus at all. We were supposed to have our paper due last week but he still hasn’t given us any instruction on it. He keeps telling us he will get to it next class which is a bit frustrating. I just hope I have enough time to do well.

Personal:

I spent another night with Lincoln, this time at a hotel. It was almost perfect except for him telling me not to fall in love with him over and over. I get it, this has no future but its nice sometimes just to forget that for a night. I like spending time with him its easy and fun and I could love him but as soon as I think about having a boyfriend I instantly freak out for lack of a better term. I don’t want to share my space or my time or my life with someone right now. He talks about watching the fights together or going places together in the same breath he tells me not to love him. I have never been more confused on how a guy feels toward me or how I feel towards him. My brain and my heart say run but my libido says more.

Junior my ex from about 5 years ago has started messaging me again. He’s currently in the army in South Korea so there is not much there but I think about him all the time. Its like being 17 again waiting for him to text me. I never in a million years thought I would be talking to him again, I hadn’t even really thought about him in 5 years and then bam one message and its like I’m going to crazy.

Now that I actually know what I want out of life I don’t know what I want out of love. Is this college? Is this how it’s supposed to be? Casual sex and homework? Clarity and confusion all the time?

3 Comments »

Saying Goodbye to Summer

Summer semester is over. It feels so bittersweet and so strange that I’m never going to see most of those people ever again. Grades wont be posted for another week but the only class I’m worried about is sociology. My final didn’t go as well as I wanted so I’m no longer hoping for an A, a B will have to do. I really can’t believe summer semester went by so quickly.

The last day of class my psychology class my teacher had a discussion about love which was only slightly awkward with Lincoln in the class. We had another night together and the sex was wonderful but his continual need to tell me not to fall in love with him was disheartening. He likes me but he doesn’t want me to fall for him. Then in class he says “I think being loved is a basic human need”. I’m pretty sure my mouth fell open. You like me but you don’t want my basic human needs met? Confused doesn’t even begin to explained how this class discussion on love really left me feeling. It turns out I am a lot more cynical than I realized.

I used to truly believe that love was real and important and life changing, now if I’m being honest I truly believe men don’t love the way women do. So imagine my surprise as men from all ages, including the man telling me not to fall in love with him like its something crazy people do, are talking about how real love is. I’m from the love is bullshit school of thought. I literally cheered, without thinking, when someone said that love is bullshit out loud. When did I become that girl? When did I lose that amazing ability to even believe that something as wonderful as love could exist? How do I start believing again?

The class discussion on love really was the perfect way to end the class and the semester. It made me see that summer really is over. It was somehow easier to sleep with a douche who doesn’t want a relationship than to sleep with someone who believes in love but doesn’t want it with me. I can’t wait for fall semester to start even though I will miss everyone I met this summer.

Leave a comment »

Patterns of Behavior

At our core is all we are just the patterns of behavior we’ve developed or can a person truly and deeply change? I have been able to successfully change my behavior by fully dedicating myself to school and homework, but not when it comes to social aspects of my life. Why am I falling back into comfortable routines that are probably going to do more damage than good? Can 3 weeks of dedication to school say anything about future success?

I slept with Lincoln and I don’t feel guilty about it. I should clarify the he did apologize for the remark he made out of the blue and we did set some personal boundaries. The night we spent together was fun and amazing and the best thing I’ve done in a while. The part I do feel guilty about is the time I’ve been spending thinking about him. Here I am in my blog about school dedicating a whole paragraph to him. I’m not in love, I’m under the influence of powerful hormones but is this weakness we all have to other people enough to derail ambitious people? What about newly ambitions people like me? Is the excitement I feel for school become replaced with the excitement of seeing him and if so what happens when he’s no longer in all my classes?

Speaking of my classes, finally, they have been going very well. I am still working ahead of my psychology class and I am able to answer every question with ease.  My sociology class is a little different. I don’t really know what I’m supposed to know. The midterm is chapters 1 – 7 and that’s all we’ve been told. No study guide, no hints as to what theories or event will be covered. Therefore, I have been reading the book and attending all the lectures. I would like to do very well on the tests but I’m concerned that since this class is graded based entirely on test scores I will retain the wrong information and fail.

On a happier note my financial aid has officially been approved! After they reviewed my appeal I had to meet with an adviser and the contract was approved today. I made the last $300 payment for summer and my fall tuition is going to be at the very least partially paid for. I planned myself a little birthday get away to celebrate.

Here’s hoping that my hormones return to normal and that someone really can change their patterns of behavior so I can continue to do well in school.

Leave a comment »