Clever Like Me

GED to PHD?

Under Pressure

on September 29, 2013

School:
Well as if things weren’t a total mess Monday I was diagnosed with pneumonia and was stuck on bed rest until today. I was thinking at first oh good I will be able to work on my 4 papers that are due but that hasn’t really happened. I wasn’t able to get my paper back from English because I was stuck in my house but I heard from my friends that pretty much everyone failed the paper. Logically I know that if everyone failed there is a problem with the teacher not with me but failing the first paper of the semester isn’t a good start for me. I can’t help thinking about all the money I will owe the school if I fail even one class. I need to do well and I can’t afford to fail so why did I spend my whole week lying around doing nothing? Why does everything I try to write sound wrong? I was sick but I could have worked harder this week and I’m disappointed in myself.

All hope isn’t lost yet. I did get my communications paper done even though I’m not totally happy about it and I stated my history paper. Just thinking about my history paper makes me want to cry. I want an A but I am quickly coming to the realization that it may not be possible. I think that I’m trying so hard to write the perfect paper that I can’t write anything at all. It feels like all my dreams are resting on this one paper, this one semester and I feel like I’m going to fail. The fact I am scared to fail must mean I’m doing something right because if I didn’t care this much it wouldn’t be so important.

Personal:
A week on bed rest showed me that I really don’t have many friends. Is that normal for 24 or did I make some wrong choices that left me this way? I had some friends from work text me and want to know how I was doing which made me feel good. My other friends like Tasha didn’t seem to notice. Lincoln wanted sex and to his credit he wasn’t immediately disappointed when I told him I was sick, he asked if I was going to be okay first. We made a plan for Saturday. I have decided I am not going to analyze that relationship any more. He’s cute and fun to sleep with and I’m leaving it at that. Maybe the reason I don’t have real relationships is because I don’t prioritize them. I don’t have time for a boyfriend so I get the sex I need from Lincoln. I don’t have time for friends so I have coworkers who are the closest thing I have. I am not going to make more time to party with Tasha but maybe I need to open myself up to real friendships and relationships.

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