Clever Like Me

GED to PHD?

Singularly Satisfied

on September 23, 2013

School:
Well today I get my paper back from the wicked witch of the west (aka my English teacher). I have no idea what kind of grade I will be getting but I have a feeling her personal feelings towards me will heavily impact it. I could be wrong. I could get my paper back at it could be an A in which case I will still think she is a bitch but a bitch who grades fairly. This week I also have to write 3 different papers one for history, criminal justice, and communications. I think my criminal justice and communications papers will be easily graded but my history teacher has already warned us only 5% of people get an A on his papers. I want to be part of that 5% but I am afraid of falling into a self-fulfilling prophecy and telling myself it’s okay to get a C because that is what every else is getting. I hate writing all these papers but I keep imagining myself (40 LBS lighter) standing in a cap and gown for the very first time and showing to myself that I can do this. It’s a pretty powerful way to keep myself motivated.

Personal:
What I’ve noticed most since starting college is I have no friends. I had a group of people I hung out with last year but long story short I slept with the wrong person in that group then told him he had a small dick and a napoleon complex (both of which are true) after he called me much, MUCH worse and needless to say I no longer am allowed to hang out with them. My friend Tasha still hangs out with that group which sometimes bothers me. She was telling me this week how they all went camping and shroomed and for a minute I felt jealous. No matter how old you get or how awful your friends are it still hurts being the odd man out. Then I thought to myself how good it feels to be separated from these people. I realized that the only time I think about them is when Tasha brings them up other than that I never feel like I’m missing anything. I started thinking about Tasha too and honestly I don’t know if I really want to try to be friends with her anymore. She would (and has) left me at a bar when taking me with her isn’t convenient, her idea of fun is drugs and lots of them, and the fact that she would choose to be friends with people I introduced to her that hate me and talk bad about me now shows me what kind of a person she is. I know that losing all my friends is going to suck but I can’t make room for good friends without getting rid of the bad ones.

Lincoln texted me on Sunday for a “release” I know that is all I am to him but I miss the days when boys actually tried to be sly. I always go back to the boyfriend issue when Lincoln is around. I like him, I think, but what would I do with a boyfriend. I feel like people who get married or have boyfriends are so (for lack of a better word) ordinary. It’s wonderful to be loved and to have companionship but I would rather have a string of lovers than a steady boyfriend. I wonder if that is just my age. Maybe in 5 years I will be married an looking at this post laughing at how ordinary I am. The truth is though I want to achieve my dreams and I can only see how a relationship would hurt that, I can’t see how it would help. I like being alone, I like my space, I like my things the way I leave them and I don’t like to share.

Maybe I am just different and I just need to find people who are different like me.

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